Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-11-10 00:44:17 (UTC)

Depressed, Drained, Defeated

I feel so drained, physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't even know how much I'll manage to type, let's give it a shot.

It feels like October and November have been really big reflecting periods for me. I've even been thinking back to how I was when I was a teenager. Some thoughts swirl and end up taking you to places you never even thought about revisiting. Some painful, some not so painful. I'm not a bad person but I'm no saint either. I'll be the first to say I have fucked up my life on so many levels. Not only is my life a complete state as it stands, but my future hangs in the balance if I don't get my shit together in regards to studying. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and I live in a house with my parents, who are more or less strangers to me at this point. I feel so alone.

I've started playing Final Fantasy XIV again, with the spare time that I have. Just some sort of release, a way for me to detox from the crap that we have to deal with in the real world. The music is so calming, I love it. One of my friends is still actively playing. I can't remember where she's from, I want to say Dubai. She's really sweet. She's incredibly shy but super helpful. She's great to talk to. It's been nice catching up with her, she is probably the only real contact I've had with people in the last couple of days (outside of college). It's a shame that my social life tends to revolve around online games. Maybe 'shame' isn't the right word. It's great. I've met so many great people and I've even had the privilege to meet some of them in 'real life'. I guess what I mean is, it sucks they don't live closer and interaction through video games/voice comms is probably as good as it gets.

I guess I'm kind of trawling off from where I started. I do feel like a shit person. I'm not a BAD person but I've done shit things. I know we all have but the mistakes I've made came at such a cost that I literally have nothing now. I don't want to be that guy who doesn't appreciate what I've got. I DO have my health and I DO have a roof over my head and I am extremely grateful for that. I think I'm just wracked with resentment and guilt and honestly, I hate what I've become. I've burned so many bridges and I've lost so many friends. It doesn't feel like anything is improving and I'm losing myself, again. I feel like there has been 'good weeks' and 'bad weeks' since I started education again. This has been a bad one. Not because of college but just because of my state of my mind.

I've had the doors and windows barricaded for so long, but the demons have finally invaded and all sorts of dark and demented thoughts fill my head. It's a sense of dread that you just can't escape. You feel trapped, rooted, helpless. Some people don't understand depression, but it's honestly so haunting and soul destroying. It's the black dog of the night that robs you of joy. A noon day demon that only you can see. It's so exhausting, longing for a happiness never tasted.


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