Scream Above the Sounds
All Those Things That Weren't Supposed To Happen? They Happened.
I can't sleep, I've been trying for ages. I'm currently listening to some relaxing music to try and help me get off to sleep, but it's just not happening. I feel really restless. I started thinking about this year and everything that went on. It's crazy how long I've been writing on this website for now. When I think back to when I first started writing here, I'm filled with a lot of sadness and rage. I can control it a lot more now because that stuff isn't relevant to my life anymore, but it hurts all the same.
It feels like the years are getting worse. It's life though. The older we get, the more things we have to leave behind. Friendships and relationships die or falter. People die. Memories fade. If I was to talk about my last GOOD year, I would have probably been about 17 maybe. 10 years ago, shit. I'm not really one for 'new years resolutions' or anything like that but God, I need a good year. This year has been one of the worst. I feel somewhat renewed now but it's too little too late for this year to end positively. Too much pain, anguish, angst and hate has consumed it and has just left me feeling empty, scared and alone. I talk about forgiveness a lot, but I won't ever forgive myself for my behaviour over the last year or two in regards to the failings of my relationship. I mentioned my ex the other day, somebody was curious so I told the story I've told probably 100 times before now. It doesn't hurt as much to talk about it, but it still fills me with a lot of dread and shame. I still describe her as the best thing that ever happened to me and she is one of the greatest people I've ever met. I know she's living her best life now and I am pleased for her. She deserves it. I would have ruined her.
I honestly don't know what 2019 is going to hold, but I know it won't be as bad as this year. It can't be. I want to be more open minded. Maybe I'll travel more. Maybe I'll begin a new relationship. Maybe I'll finally get my shit together. I'll be 28 in January and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm a loser. I'm back in education now and that's all good and well but it doesn't make me a better person. It doesn't fix everything. I CAN'T fix everything. The only thing I can do is find another road, walk and hope I make the right decisions and take the correct turns this time. All those things that weren't supposed to happen? They happened. What happens next is up to me.
I will never make mistakes like this again.