Scream Above the Sounds
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I can't believe it's November already. When I scroll back at all the things I have written since I started here in April, it's honestly flown by. It feels weird to say that it has gone by so quickly when I think back to the amount of hurt, pain and anguish I was in. I'm so glad to be out of that now. At least not feeling THAT much pain anymore anyway. The pain never truly leaves. Maybe temporarily, but it always comes back when you're weak, frail and vulnerable, which is most nights for me.
I had to go to the store earlier today and pick up some things, ready for the party tomorrow night. It's getting really cold outside now, my teeth chattered rhythms all the way there. It's only a short walk but whilst on my way, I was thinking about life and mainly events that transpired this year. Stuff does play on my mind still. It's really difficult to let go of things that dominated your life for so long. I do think about my ex now and again, not to the extent that I used to. I mainly look back in happiness now, things that remind me of her etc. Songs, films, lots of stuff. I try to only think of the good times now. I'd never talk bad about her and I do wish her the best. It sucks that I'll never be able to tell her that. I hope she knows it anyway.
I feel like I've finally let go. I mean, I'll always love and miss her in some capacity. People talk about 'never forgetting your first' and things like that. It's no easy task. I feel better. I genuinely do. Maybe not in the sense of life and my outlook on it, but I feel better in terms of letting go and accepting everything for what it is. It's over with and now it's just me, and that's honestly fine. Do I get lonely? Absolutely, but it is what it is. I don't know if/when I'll be ready for anything again. The person that I do want something with likely doesn't want anything with me. For the record, I didn't see her tonight either. I didn't even get a message. I didn't expect to get one though, I knew she would be busy. I'm beating a dead horse with this, I know I am. It's a weird addiction though. She has me hooked in the worst way. It's twisted but I love it. What is this sick addiction of wanting something you can't have?
Tomorrow is the big day then. I've invited a shit ton of people over. I've had a good few house parties but nothing like this. There is easily 20 plus people coming. I don't even know some of them that well. I'm unsure how much I'll actually drink. I kinda wanna stay in control and make sure everything is under wraps but at the same time, I want to let go and say 'fuck it' and just enjoy myself. It remains to be seen. A few people have asked if they can bring weed and I've said whatever. It doesn't matter to me. I won't be doing it and as long as they don't do it in the house, I don't really care. I don't really have an idea for numbers. People can be so vague on Facebook, there shouldn't be a 'maybe' option for events. You're either coming or you ain't, lets not beat around the bush!
I've gotta meet my friend tomorrow when he gets into town. He's coming from Newcastle but has to make a change at Birmingham. I'm looking forward to seeing him again. I mention him quite a lot and he's a great friend of mine. I dread to think how much alcohol he's going to consume though. He's going to be a terrible influence on me. I've already bought a bottle of Sambuca though so it looks like I'm already going down with the ship. I'm looking forward to getting to know some of my college friends a bit better. We'll have to wait and see who actually turns up. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories to tell when I check in next. It probably won't be until Sunday though when my friend has gone back home.
Until then, have a good one.
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