Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-10-29 01:20:37 (UTC)

A New Chapter

I feel my body clock creeping back into my old ways. Hello, old friend.

It's only 12:21am right now, not TOO late. I don't usually get off to sleep until about 1am anyway on an average college day, or a "school night" as my mum used to call them. I'm staying up tonight to watch a WWE Pay-Per-View. It's called 'Evolution' and it's the first 'All Women's' event. It's pretty incredible. Women have come such a long way, they deserve this. There is so much talent and it's been a blast to watch so far. It's exceeded all of my expectations and we aren't even halfway through the show yet. I won't bore people too much with my wrestling talk though. I'm sure I have other things I can bore you with!

I'm going mountain climbing tomorrow! Yep, you guessed it, with the girl that I'm into. I didn't go to her about it though, she invited me! So shit, that's something! I'm looking forward to it, I've never done it before, and I do really enjoy being with her. We aren't going until about 11am and I'm going to feel pretty grim staying up watching this Pay-Per-View but, YOLO! I'm supposedly seeing her Thursday night too because we're going to order Chinese food or something. She recently discovered what a picky eater I am and is now trying to get me to try new things, so we agreed on Chinese. I imagine she will be too busy though, so I'm not holding my breath for anything. We'll see what happens.

My parents leave today, for a week! I can't believe its their 25th anniversary. I am genuinely amazed they are still together. It's either a huge testament to love, or to guilt. I really don't know anymore. I talk about my parents every now and again here, and it's a really shit subject for me. I love my parents but the bond is just, nothing. We barely say more than 30 words to each other a day. I think I wrote the entry 'The Ice Is Getting Thinner' in regards to their marriage. I think they are in an okay place right now. I mean, they are going away for a week so they are either going to have a great time or one of them is probably going to kill the other one. I'm just kidding, of course. I think they will have a great time together. I hope they do. When I say testament to guilt, I mean I always feel like they stayed together for me and my sister. I feel like they love each other but they aren't IN love with each other anymore. They own this house, and now I feel like they're just waiting to die in it. It sounds incredibly morbid, but that's how I see it. I just want them to be happy, and if they aren't happy with each other, they should change it. I'm 27 and my sister is 23. We don't need to be the 'complete perfect family'. In fairness, we never have been. We had a family holiday last year in Hong Kong and it was so weird for us all to be together for a week. We even took a picture of the four of us together, it was so strange. It was great, just a little odd. They are brilliant parents though. My father never bonded with me, but that's purely because I feel that he didn't know how. I know it's no excuse, but I've made my peace with it. He was great for me in a sense that...I never went without anything. Me and my sister were very spoilt, we got everything we wanted. THAT is love, to my father. Buying me things to make me happy. That's all he knows. I mean, I would have loved the priceless things too. Playing catch together, all that bullshit. It just wasn't to be I guess.

My favourite memory as a child was when me and my sister were playing Mario Kart 64 on the Nintendo 64, and my parents were nagging and moaning for us to go to bed, because it was late and we had school in the morning. We complained, cried but eventually agreed and went to bed. 10 minutes later, I went downstairs and I saw my parents playing Mario Kart! I couldn't believe it. That memory alone makes me smile. They were having a great time, laughing. Just thinking about it now puts a smile on my face, and almost a tear in my eye. How did things get so bad?

My sister came over earlier today. You always know when she's in the area, you can smell the weed. That's another relationship that has just completely checked out too. Me and my sister haven't been close in about 14 years. We were great together as kids but there is just nothing now. We don't even say "Hello" to each other when we see each other. We don't dislike each other, far from it. I guess we just don't feel like we have anything to say to one another. I know it makes my mum sad. I know that my sister is happy anyway though, and that's good enough for me.

I'm just not really close with anybody in my family. That's why I feel inclined to just get the hell out of this city. My relationship is over, I don't have any ties with anybody or anything. Starting again somewhere new sounds so appealing. I find myself romanticising about it a lot lately. I don't want to peer into the future too much though. I have a lot of work to do before I can think about any of that. I say I don't have 'any ties' but I mean that outside of education. I'm likely going to be in this college for another two years whilst I study my A-Levels and THEN it's crunch time. That's when I'll make the decision and close this heartbreaking, never-ending pit of despair chapter in my life.

A new chapter will finally begin and I hope to title that: Happiness, at last.


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