Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-10-27 19:46:55 (UTC)

Beauty Behind the Madness

The day started off well. I had a much deserved lie in. I know I moan a lot about returning to education and stuff but after working night shifts for three years, it is really hard for me to get up in the mornings still. I woke up about 11:15am today, I could hear my grandmother talking downstairs so I went to see her. I love that woman, so much. She raised me and my sister when we were kids, she still raises kids in our family now, it's unreal. I spoke with her for an hour or two and then I decided to tidy my room, so it isn't a complete bombsite when my friend visits this Friday.

I found so much stuff today when I was tidying my room, serious throwback stuff. I found my old Star Wars: A New Hope ship. It's pretty battered and broken but it was nice to see that it's still floating around here somewhere. I found my Game of Thrones books. Loads of old pictures of me and my family. There was a lot of stuff to go through. I felt pretty good throughout the day but then 6pm rolled around, it got really dark and I don't know. I don't know what happens or how it happens, but it does. Something just consumes and overwhelms me and then I'm sat here with my hands over my face, wondering why I'm feeling this way again. I can be completely fine during the day but now I just want to go to bed. I'm sad, alone, scared, you already know how it goes at this point.

I've been reflecting on myself the past couple of days. Things that happened in my life, things I could have changed, things I could have done better. Things I shouldn't have fucking done at all. I know I'll drive myself insane by thinking about these things but at the same time, I can't help it. I suppose in some sick twisted way maybe I enjoy hurting myself. I don't know. I think I'm a good person. I don't think many people would agree with me and would probably say I'm a piece of shit, hey maybe they're right? I've fucked up and I've done a lot of bad things. I'm not proud of any of it. I don't think me and my ex would still be together anyway though. I'm not a believer in fate, destiny or any of that stuff but I think the reality is, we weren't right for each other. We weren't right for each other, but we plugged away and we kept going because this was all we knew. It was our first relationship and we were determined to make it work. I've said before though, you can't just stay with somebody because you love them. It doesn't work like that.

I have made bad decisions and I'm trying to change who I am. I think I've started pretty well and I want to keep going. I want to be better. I want people to actually LIKE me. I'm not begging for friends, but I know people say bad things about me and hey, that's life. I hate when people tell lies about me but at this point, I've got nothing to lose anyway. People can do or say what they like, I know the truth. I always feel like I'm on trial and maybe people do consider me a bit of a nutcase these days. I mean, I flat out quit my job last month because I'd had enough. That was pretty ballsy and in hindsight, pretty stupid. I needed to get out of there but I should have handled it better. I don't know where I'm going with this or what kind of message I'm trying to send. I don't care if people judge me or make assumptions anymore, I'm over that now. I don't really want to say the common spiel either that "I'm only human" etc. We do all make mistakes and again, that's life. I think as long as you can acknowledge these mistakes and apply yourself a bit better in future, that's a good start. The mistakes I've made are pathetic, sad and the behaviour of a complete oddball, but I do own them. I know I've fucked up and some of the things I did were in a pure, panic, frenzied, maddening state. There is beauty behind the madness though. I'm not a bad person.


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