The Queen

Muddy Puddle

Dear Silkworm,
I put myself in a mess . I'd desires and I let them go too far. Far enough that I've a broken back right now. And the satan ladies are gigling . I feel sleepy all the time. What could make me control them? What could? Perhaps even my papers are going bad.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSR76GAFL2A
Gladly .. it's not like I know now . Friends could say they love us and they do but they misguide us for they don't know. Even parents could because they're all human, and human is to err. Ha Silkworm it's the 3rd time . Say this is the last time. I'm better than before. I could almost go sit at the sea. Put all my negativity in an inkpot and run the ink into the sea. For all I care I come before everyone.
You know what is bad? That they tell you to quit liestening to music and yeah I couldn't even though I tried. I really must not have because there are stories of people who really did. But then they quit and became scholars. I don't know how people get so much paasion in them all of a sudden like just how does it build up? And yet here they are listening to music themselves. Perhaps it's because nobody loves me and I love nobody. So here's karma playing.
How can a child trust their father when he was not good to their mother ! No matter what , if her heart died since a long back time and even if she realizes that this is a sign of depression...
How could one trust a father who does what he only thinks is right!

To do it, abstain from it with my heart and my mind is what I want , is what I should need. I can tell people but if they isolate me from technology or the deed or the person I am never going to learn to make my brain know the power of being controlled. To teach self control should be the goal ,not to control others.. that's just manipulation which he did too well.
Perhaps this time I'll be out from the muddy puddle of say 8 years?
I wish I could find a place .. a place.