Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-10-27 06:15:26 (UTC)

I won't complain

I'm determined not to.
I think I'm getting there at least, because for once I can see my anxiety sometimes. I'm gaining control- now that all the men are out of my life. I like not having an Ethan on my brain anymore. I can focus on myself finally and that's something I need, something I'm good at as long as I feel in control of my future.

But Zach- I'm worried he may like me. And that's just a deep dark hole... I don't know why I feel so guilty when people start to notice me.
Maybe it's just Zach. Because I don't like him. Not as anything more than an alright friend. And I have reason to- we both have our issues. He knows that. I just want to mentally prepare myself for in case he decides to try something- like telling me his feelings or asking for a date or something idk it probably wouldn't be that forward.

The other thing that worries me is the way I haven't been perfectly good to shaley. But I'm in love with the way she's still so kind. I have a lot to learn, and her kindness allows me to be kind enough to myself to keep on going.
And I hope I can be the same sort of person for Alyssa. Although she doesn't need me. It's different.

I see things so plainly it's embarrassing. Like, I believe too stale-ly in the idea of hierarchies. I'm not even sure how I quantify it except for like emotional wealth? I put the most mature on top and me somewhere in the middle and Alyssa somewhere below me. But that's silly because I know I'm more immature than her sometimes and her too.
And I just need some sleep really. I forget how life is so flexible when I get lazy about keeping myself happy or interested in life.

Emotional wealth. Maturity? Are those the same or merely similar..?
I'm not 100%, well, actually I'm considerably less than thrilled to work tomorrow. But I said I won't complain. Because really there's no point in complaining. Well, there is. The point is in letting it out. But there's no point in letting yourself need to. Because just reroute your thinking and you're already happy it's ok u kno?
u no

I read a thing earlier that said there are only 3 reltionships you need to master in life:
1 you to yourself
2 you to the world
3 you to your work

and they are all equally important. And I like that thought but I think I'm stuck on the me to myself one most of the time because I know me to the world is fractured and as is me to my work. Just food for thought. me to me. I'm out. rodger that.




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