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2018-10-27 00:11:10 (UTC)

holes in the throat

"In a Radio Song" by Okkervil River

Warm light when your eyes
fill with laughter.
Some animal lies in the pasture,
holes in its throat where the
blood was drawn,
in its mouth where the tongue
was torn by your claws,
your claws, your claws.

October 27, 2018 Saturday 12:12 AM

I am tired around my eyes but not in my body. So I worry if I try to sleep then I will have thoughts, and I do not like having thoughts because frequently they are bad. I like when I think through someone else, and I get frustrated because the thoughts are never quite preserved—in the movement from myself into another and then onto the page—but this is a nicer frustration than the one I normally have. Which is, that I am impossible.

Tonight, alone, I walked outside listening to this song—planning to get food—I wasn't hungry, I felt thin. I felt—I feel sometimes—that I want to be so thin I intersect myself and disappear. I ended up walking half a block, I thought, wouldn't it be so nice to walk? But I stopped in a parking lot that was covered in some shiny polish, some glossy gray paint, and it was lit by the orange streetlamps and some fluorescents and suddenly I didn't want to walk anymore. Suddenly I had already walked too much and I knew what it would be to walk any further. So I got food.

I said to this girl I knew, whom I found inside Jo's (the food place), I said that I hadn't spoken to people in awhile and that they were so weird and she said I could just ignore them but I said I couldn't look away. And then I walked off and she said, "Ok, bye??" and I said, "Huh?" but I knew what she said and she said it again and I said, "Oh, sorry, bye," but I thought it had been fine that I didn't say bye, I thought it had been clear the conversation was over, and in any case I don't care about her too much so it is satisfying to cut off the corners, avoid the niceties.

She's nice, don't get me wrong; but she strikes me as the type who needs attention and love from someone who is not me. She never sleeps and constantly says, "I'm dying! It's fine," and makes jokes about throwing herself out the window and signs up for extra shifts at work even though she isn't sleeping enough. And I know this, I am familiar with this implosion and, no, thanks, I don't want to be the one that listens to you like what you have to say is so new; I don't want to be the one to tell you that it sucks.

The truth is, you think you want to talk about it but you don't. When you talk about it, then you see the gap for what it is—inherent. It's not the depression, it's just how things are. A long trench tangent to the line of your body I don't. I don't know anymore. Never knew, just talked from my gaping ass, haha.

Anyway, I don't want to be the one through which it is learned. Again and again; that no one cares. A kind of dismal point of view and not necessarily accurate, lmao.

Maria isn't like this even though she does say things like "[insert terrible thing here], it's fine" but maybe that's because I know she isn't asking me to play the role of the person who says, "Wow, that's awful!!!! That's bad!!!!! That sucks!!! I'm sorry!!!" as if my overcompensation will fill in the space left by their understatement. Instead she is saying it and when she says it's fine she says it in the secret way that we know means it is not fine but it exists this way. And I still am not always a fan of that "it's fine," because I think it invites a hopelessness, but also I'm a hypocrite so I need to shut up.

I might misperceive this other girl to be different. To be asking. But also a part of me knows I am right, and she is basing it off of previous experience. Isaac used to use Maria's "it's fine": the one that asks nothing. Liv too. But Adrian used the one that expects response, and he was a whole regret of a person. Literally every time I think about him it physically nauseates me lol. I've never had this—averse a reaction to a person. I don't think. But Adrian is the only person I will ever hate and pity at once. I don't think I hate anyone else, except for really shallowly. But I hate him. In my bones I think he is a bad person.

Ugh, anyway. This week started out really bad but it ended sort of okay. I feel empty and really bone-deep lonely. And yesterday I was looking in the face of this guy that I love, who is 22. He was helping me with something in video and I felt his elbow brushing against my thigh and I feel like he could've made space (I would've, since I normally don't like touching people) but he didn't. And also he was discussing something very important and I spaced out while looking at his face (memorizing the different facial expressions) which irritated me deeply when I realized what I was doing. I'm glad I only see him once a week; it would kill my heart otherwise. What a stupid and baseless attraction. He seems so normal. I don't like normal people—because they don't like me. I feel so exaggerated in their presence, don't like it.

Anyway, I want to eat him whole. I'm tired now. Going to go to sleep, hopefully will develop the will to... write here again. Which I've been struggling with. I dunno. Maybe I've always struggled with that.??

Parent's weekend last week was also pretty nice. Contrary to my angry-drunk entry, and also angry-drunk poetry which u did not see lmao, I do love my parents. It was nice to see my pops and mops again. It was just... nice.

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