✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2018-10-27 02:23:42 (UTC)

Christmas Cancelled


I just shoved all of my ornaments under my bed.

I heard her talking to my brother saying “look out for the obvious fucking dresser that’s been sitting in the same damn hallway for years. Because your sisters going to get a 6 foot tree.”

She said it in the most “can you believe it. It’s so stupid.” Way.

And I’m literally sitting here, I had calmed down, we went through the motions we always do every time we fight. Pretend it didn’t happen. Except I’m always the first to initiate, always the one to try to clear the air. And she’ll either be cold to me, or give in a little.

And I just got so upset that I just cried so hard that, I was holding in from screaming... that I literally just started to pound on my legs as hard as I could and not being able to stop.

You know what.. you win. You have successfully ruined something else I enjoyed. I’m not doing a tree at all.

Because I know every time I look up at it, I’ll think of today. I’ll think of everything she said. It won’t make me happy. It’ll just make me feel this way all over again.

And of course while my face is red, and I’m packing up the ornaments, my stupid grandpa calls me for something so I wipe off my face, and I go do what he wants, and I take his machine down the hall, and I accidentally pulled the tube apart, and goes “Are you still mad?” And I don’t answer him. And he keeps asking me until he finally just says “Get over it.”

Let me tell you something.
She has filled every closet, and cabinets, and shelves and even had entire separate living room with fucking Christmas decorations.

She has the largest Christmas village collection I have ever seen in my brothers closet. She has more than one tree. She owns a 6 foot tree. Maybe more than one.

There’s Christmas decorations on top of the cabinets in the bathroom, there’s still decorations on the mirror from last year. She has Christmas a closet in the end of th hallway full of decorations, cabinets in her room, tub after tub after tub in the buildings full. The second living room has Christmas nick nacks all over it. There’s been a plastic Santa Claus on the inside of that door since I came to live here.

And it’s too much, it’s so crazy for me to want to put a tree in my room??

I dressed as a fucking elf last year, and they dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus.

This isn’t about me bitching and whining oh, poor me, can’t have a tree.

This is about how my brother just brought in a giant computer that he hasn’t even done work for yet to earn it, and is setting it up in the tv room.. She just did their laundry all day that they left all over the laundry room for weeks.. My older brother leaves his shit all over the kitchen, and won’t ever take it to his bedroom. They don’t do a damn thing to help them, they don’t contribute.. they don’t help with dinner, with dishes, with groceries, with the dogs.. they don’t even flush the fucking toilet when they’re done using it.

And I’m the one who’s done something bad? I’m the one who almost gets kicked out? Somehow it’s wrong for me to use MY money to buy myself something to put in my room for the season, but she can hoard a fucking basketball net because “we might need it” and my brothers can set up shop anywhere in the house, even when my grandma doesn’t like it?

She dug through a bag of garbage I threw out, and pulled things out and put back.. but that’s okay because it’s clearly shit I didn’t need or want anymore but I can’t buy something new just for myself.

She can fill a separate room in her house full of Christmas shit..

And I know, it’s HER house, but the ONLY reason it’s a problem is because she just doesn’t fucking want me to have it because I want it, and it makes me happy.

That’s all it boils down to.

Pretty sure I hurt my toe over her fucking sewing machine that’s sitting in the same hallway as the dresser.

Sincerely,
Me





Ad: