✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
Almost Kicked Out Over a Dresser
Dear Reader,
I’m sitting here... I’m crying. Im wishing I was dead. Wishing I was never born.
All because I asked to move her dresser full of her stuff out of my room back into the hall where it has sat for years.
I moved it into my room because her meg got so bad, she had to use a walker, and couldn’t get by because it was too wide to fit between the dresser, and the wall.
Her leg is better now. She hasn’t used a walker in months. And if the pain returns, she goes to get shots in it, and it’s better again. I want to get a 6 foot Christmas tree for my room, and put it in the corner where the dresser was.
So I tell her this morning, that’s what I wanted to do. And she tells me no.
Can I just say she didn’t want us to move the dresser for her to begin with, but now she doesn’t want it moved back.
When she becomes condescending when she’s telling me no, she always starts using “we” in the place of “you”.
“We’re not going to move the dresser. We’re not going to do that. We’re just going to leave it where it is.”
You know why she doesn’t want me to move it? Because she doesn’t want me to have the tree.
I already got a 4 foot tree, but I decided yesterday that I want a 6 foot. I’ve managed to get cheap plastic ornaments, but they are pretty.. couldn’t afford glass ones.
The thing is.. I’ve written about this before, when she called my art stuff shit, and I needed to get rid of it. But she hates everything I do. She doesn’t want me to do anything I like. She hates anything that makes me happy. She’s never truly happy for me for anything I do. And she doesn’t want me to have anything.
Of course, She’s not going to admit that. Because there’s really no other reason to want to keep the dresser in my room. If she doesn’t let me move it back, I can’t get the tree.
So, of course I get pissed the second she starts talking down to me. And I immediately know the reason why she’s doing this. And I never talk back. I never defend myself, because of what happened after I did this time.
So I tell her that it’s her dresser, and it wasn’t even in my room until a few months ago. It’s always been in the hallway. She and I start arguing about it. And of course, being the way she is, she blows up. She starts yelling at me that if I don’t like the way it is, to get out. And she starts to cry, accuses me of not caring about her. She’s blown it so far out of proportion.
And she always does shit like this.. if she knows she’s in the wrong, or if she’s being ridiculous, she’ll blow up, and start to cry while she’s yelling, to make herself the victim. Normally I would just stop there. Which is what she banks on. Which is why she does it in the first place. But I’m so fed up with this, that I just tell her that it’s just a stupid dresser. This sends her into an even larger rage, she gets up, goes to my room and starts to move it out.
So I follow her, and for some reason I show her the CD she wanted for Christmas.. thinking it would calm her down.
But she doesn’t even say anything.. she just moves it, and won’t let me help.
When she’s done, she rants around the house, and tells me that I better start packing my bags, saying she doesn’t matter, that no one cares about her, she’s the least important person, and then does the thing she has done to hurt me since I was a kid.
She brings up my mom. She tells me that I can just go live with her. That we’ll go find her, and she’ll dump me out there.
And I wanted to die right there.
I wanted to scream at her to shut the hell up.. for her to not talk about my mom ever again.. but I knew she would attack me if I did.
Throwing it in my face that my mom didn’t want me.
And I just ate my breakfast through tears.
I never cry in front of her, but I couldn’t help it. She sits in the living room, and I look up at her and she’s giving me a look that says she wishes I was never born.
What hurts about this the most...
Is that as much as she tells me I don’t care about her.. And that I treat her badly.. I know it isn’t true.
I’m the only one who got her Christmas presents.. I clean her house, I take care of her and her husband.. I was helping take care of my cousin all week, and I haven’t been home.. but I tried to come back at least twice a day to feed the dogs, do the dishes, clean and take them out.. make them dinner one day, even though my older brother was home all week with no work or school. I go with her to get groceries, I carry so much in my arms so she doesn’t have to. And even though she treats me like a garbage.. I’m still nice to her. I still try to have conversations with her, I try to make her laugh everyday.. I give her hugs, and.. all I wanted since I was a kid was someone who loved me and wanted me.. and she’s never failed to remind me that she only loves me because she has to, and she only took us in because she knew it would look bad if she didn’t.
Nothing I do matters.. nothing I do is ever enough.
I just wanted to have a white, 6 foot, pre lit Christmas tree with clear bulbs, from Walmart, and to decorate it with teal, cobalt blue, purple, and silver ornaments.
Sincerely,
Me
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