edd

Scream Above the Sounds
2018-10-25 22:04:01 (UTC)

Who's Gonna Save Me When I Need Saving?

I feel low. Low enough that I feel the need to double-entry tonight. I try my best not to do that, it's my fault for writing an entry when I woke up this morning. My mood has decreased and decreased throughout the day until now I just feel sorrow, despair and misery.


I don't know what has brought this on. I guess just wandering about throughout the day and thinking about my life and what a shit show it is. It makes sense. I should be happy, or at least happier than I usually am. Half term is approaching, one of my best friends is visiting soon. I just can't shake this feeling. I genuinely feel so miserable. I don't even know who to speak to about things anymore because I've either burned bridges with people or they are just too busy. The girl that I'm really into just left me on 'Read' on Facebook earlier so I've not even bothered trying to speak to her again. I'm forgetting about that, as of now. It's not worth it.


I've thought about my life, what and who it consists of and where I want to go. I feel like I have nothing in this city now. I've felt that way since April. Studies aside, there is nothing here. I'm not close with anybody in my family. I don't feel like an outcast but there is no connection whatsoever. We just plod along and say about 20-30 words to each other a day, if that. I feel that University in another city is an escape for me. Something I have to grasp. I've got to just think about myself, get the fuck out of this town and start again. I'm so sad and depressed, I hate feeling like this. I was actually thinking about dating websites, just to force it a little bit more. Just to see about getting out of the house and spending time with whoever, even if it's for a day and seeing if something eventually develops.


I have zero commitments now outside of studying. I'll have a part time job on the weekends most likely but what I mean is, I'm not playing a game for X amount of hours a night or whatever. I don't think I would ever be able to find somebody who would accept that kind of behaviour. I have to commend and give huge credit to my ex for some of the shit she put up with. I don't want to be that guy anymore. When I think about my ex and all the mistakes I made, I want to learn from that. I HAVE learned from that. I don't know if there will be a next time but if there is, I'll be ready and I will be better. Am I a chance worth taking? Absolutely not. Do I believe there is somebody out there for everybody? Probably not. I just know that we all have to be nice to one another and save each other.


The question is, Who's gonna save me when I need saving?


Edd


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