Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-10-25 09:34:03 (UTC)

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2RY26wQkc8

Some of the lyrics from this song still rip right through me.

If it makes you less sad
I will die by your hand
I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am

And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again
You can tell me how vile
I already know that I am

And if it makes you less sad
I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself
I'll keep out of your way

And if it makes you less sad
I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint
I will paint myself out

You are the smell before rain
You are the blood in my veins

This is probably my favourite song by Brand New. Another band that graces the top 5 in my depressive little world. I used to listen to this band religiously. Brand New, Panic at the Disco, Taking Back Sunday, Thursday, Fall Out Boy. I miss those times. I was still sad and hurt back then too but, not like this.

I'm quite scared when I think about my future. This is something that I never usually do in great length and I suppose that makes me an idiot. I've always lived in the 'now' rather than planning X amount of years into the future. I mean, I know what I would eventually LIKE in the future, a family etc. I'm a bit worried that I'll be a student forever now. Taking these A-Levels will be a big step and I am really looking forward to it but it means I'll still be in college when I'm 29, and that isn't a big deal to some people. I've seen people going around the college who are 40 plus, I think it's admirable. Part of me thinks that I should do an Access course to save myself from doing a third year but I don't think I would be able to hack it. Learning about stuff I have no interest in is just a losing battle. I'm going to be brave and hopefully smart, and take English Language, Psychology and Media Studies.

It dawned on me last night how sad and alone I am. I mean, I always knew but yesterday it felt like somebody had punched me in the stomach. Sadness is something that I don't think will ever truly leave me. It comes in waves but eventually, it consumes. I'm a bad swimmer, it takes me away, every time. I binge watched the rest of Making a Murderer Part 2 yesterday. I didn't really leave my bed. I just stared at the four walls until I knew it was time to get some sleep. No plans, nothing. I really should start a gym and just..live in there, when I've got nothing on or no plans. So basically all the time.

I always feel out of place when I do things with my friends too because they are all couples. I never used to go out with them much with my ex anyway, she was a really bad drinker and it would be a guaranteed shitfest if she came out with us. She did acknowledge that she had a problem though and actually stopped drinking, I gotta give her credit for that. She was a good girl. I don't know, I know they talk about me. They talk about me 'finding somebody new' or 'setting me up' with somebody. They are all shipping for me and my best friend to get together but it's not gonna happen. I guess it twists the knife when they ask questions about her. I haven't told them how I feel about her but they can obviously see it. She never told me how she felt back, she just said she wasn't looking for anything right now. She's on Tinder though so make of that what you will. I guess she was letting me down lightly or something, I don't know. I suppose I would have preferred her to say that she only saw me as a friend or something like that. My friends are still getting to know her, they've met her about 8 or 9 times now, they absolutely love her. I'm kinda just putting things on ice with her. I think I'm seeing her next week but even if I don't, I think I'll just have to say "Oh well" because I'll obsess over her otherwise. I need to just get it in my head that we're not gonna be a thing. I was a bit upset with her yesterday because I wanted to talk to her about my A-Levels or Access, because I knew she studied the same thing. All I got back was "I see" so I chose not to even continue the conversation. A bit petty? I guess, but she didn't seem like she wanted to talk at all so I figured, what's the point? I think I just try too hard generally and probably overwhelm her.

I don't really know what I need to do to make positive changes in my life. I just want to feel a bit more mentally stable. I'm going to limit how much time I spend on video games and make sure that I prioritise my work. I'm going to start looking for a new part time job whilst I continue my studies. I'm always going to want to play video games in some capacity, they are how I connect with people the best. I need to make serious efforts to leave the house more though. I used to be so social and active. I used to inline skate, I used to play football. I don't do anything now except bitch, moan and wallow. It's pathetic.


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