Today, something important dawned on me.
I learned what it is to bottle up a feeling you didn't know you bottled up, just for it to come back exploding in your face. Today I remembered the brief interaction I had with my friend Isaiah Montes, and a friend about my age who died in a sudden car accident. Everyone in my clinical group was worried for me. A lot of them texted me asking me if I was okay. Fae gave me some weed. Gary's giving me a ride to my assigned location. Aren texted me asking if I was okay...and then he asked me if I could help correct his paper. Bitch owes me a hug. And Faelyn says she actually enjoys reading my community journals. Who would've thought?
During simulation, the actresses convinced me that I had said the wrong thing - and I did. She started crying when I referred to dealing with her as care-giving. Something broke inside me when she lost her significant other. And the thing was just a mannequin. The loss suddenly reminded me of Isaiah, and I had to step out of the room to break down. I came back just to get scolded by my professor for being on my phone - and it was only because everyone was texting me to quietly ask me what was wrong. Love is a powerful force, you know?
I've been a mess ever since. I skipped class and smoked all day. This is what I wanted and what I needed. And apparently I'm dating now too? But I'm not sure if I regret it. I hope I don't. Anyway, I'm gonna rest soon. I have been falling behind in motivation and I need to keep it up. Seeing McPherson today was a fresh reminder that I have to convince everyone else that I belong where I am. There is no justice for being waitlisted. I want to show everyone how wrong they are about me.