Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-10-24 09:48:57 (UTC)


I've been having a Death Cab for Cutie morning. Transatlanticism is one of my favourite albums, ever. It broke my heart before I knew what love even was. Now I have experienced love and heartbreak, it hurts all the more. It's made it more addictive if anything. Without bands like Linkin Park, Brand New, Taking Back Sunday, Death Cab for Cutie...I don't really know how I would have survived in high school. Their songs and lyrics were my voice when I was too afraid to speak up and tell people how I was feeling. They were my mouthpiece. I think in a way that's why I enjoy karaoke and singing so much. Not because we get drunk and it's a great laugh, which is also a factor but, because no matter how drunk or how much of a fun mood I'm in, I'll still want to sing something relevant to me and the way I'm feeling about life right now. I feel like I can't just go and have a conversation with my friends in the pub or club about it. I find it really difficult to open up to people. So I would choose a song that represented that and expose all of my feelings that way. For example, I could sing Linkin Park - Numb or something like that. It probably wouldn't go down too well at karaoke, but you get the idea. I've always been a semi-good singer, I walked out of Music with an A* after flunking the entire year. I showed up on the day of the exam with a CD, I sang 'Maybe Tomorrow' by Stereophonics and walked out with an A*. My finest hour, haha. I don't think I'm a good singer but I can read pitch well, if that makes sense.

It's crazy how I've just written all of that, which wasn't even relevant to why I've started writing an entry today. All I wanted to say was Death Cab for Cutie were a powerful band. It's amazing how your mind can wander. I unsubbed to WoW today, I know that probably isn't a big deal for many people but it is for me. I've played the game since 2005, on and off, of course. I haven't been paying for it constantly since 2005 but I dread to think how much money I've put into the game overall. I've had a lot of great experiences and made so many good friends from the game. It's been a huge part of my life and I wouldn't change any of it. College is kicking my ass and it's only going to get worse. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made when I was 15 or 16 years old, way back when. Especially now knowing that I have 2 years of A-Levels to do. All the while, looking for a new part-time job on the weekends. I just don't really know where the game fits into my life right now.

I've had a few suggestions from people in regards to my house party next week. Some people want to dress up for it, as a late "Halloween" kinda thing. I don't mind, I've told them they can go crazy but I don't feel like many people will be interested in it. We tried to set up parties like that in the past and nobody bothers. Saying that, I don't really know what I would do either. I've been Darth Vader for the past 8 years and it's just boring now. I always wanted to do something a bit extreme, like maybe shave my head and go as Walter White from Breaking Bad or something like that. I would probably be equally as boring as Darth Vader though and maybe purchase a trenchcoat, whack on some shades and just be Neo from The Matrix. I used to look a bit like him when I was younger, it was my nickname in school. Now I'm just a fat Keanu Reeves instead, haha.

I just can't wait for half term now. I'm planning on smashing out all of my work on the Friday night (because I'm boring and haven't got anything else to do) and then I've got the rest of the time to just chill. I think I'll be seeing "Love Interest Best Friend" shall we nickname her? That's still too long, even for a nickname. Either way, I'll be seeing her at some point next week I think, I hope! I don't really feel like I'm a high priority to her, I mean why would I be? It's wrong for me to consider and assume that. We talk almost everyday but I don't know. I feel like maybe sometimes she's quite blunt with me or just ignores me. I do understand and respect that she is incredibly busy. I'm always blessed and pleased when she does make time and wants to see me. I just always feel like she would rather be with somebody else. I guess I feel like that because last Sunday she was talking about one of her friends a lot and was then on the phone to him for about 20 minutes or so. I know he's really into her too and even if she is into him, that isn't any of my business. It still made me feel like shit though. I almost feel like the guy she sees or spends time with because everybody else is busy or because she feels sorry for me. I don't really know where I stand with her. It's always great when we're in person but it can be a bit sketchy online at times. She can't make my party so hopefully I'll get to see her. She brings happiness and light into my life no matter how shit I'm feeling.


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