Nadia

wet blanket
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2018-10-01 14:09:05 (UTC)

I think that when everything ..

I think that when everything becomes too much depressed is the easiest way to feel. When just the thought of doing something - anything - is overwhelming. Doing nothing is so much easier than doing something.
I am so overwhelmed by stress that i feel like the only way to deal with it is by doing nothing.
but even by doing nothing i am stressed. I haven't doing anything for like a month. I'm addicted to the internet.
I'm addicted to the idea of something I will never be or have.
I still have such a deep embedded hatred for myself that i can't shake off.
I have nothing going for me. I want to say this is the only way i can cope but i can't even fucking cope.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Nothing feels okay. I'm sick of being not okay.
I feel awful all the time. But i don't want any attention. How can you deal with something when you won't help yourself and you don't want anyone to help you. I don't want to talk to anyone about it.
I feel like i've lost all my friends. I have lost all my friends.
My life is not even made up of half doing things. I've 1/4 done things. Does that even make sense... I am so slack that i only briefly start things and never get close to finishing because i am so easily overwhelmed. I have had 20 years on this earth that equate to nothing. I don't need anyone to tell me different or waste my time with the positive thinking bullshit i know it's the truth.
I'm not even an individual... a person. I'm just an identity with a name. I have no substance. I have no intelligence... no good looks. No NOTHING. My existence is pointless.. a waste.
And at the same time that all this is going on i feel like i'm losing my mind. I don't think like i used to. I wish so much to be in a different mind. I don't want to be me. I'm not fun. I'm not interesting. I'm scared. Constantly scared of everything and everyone. Even scared of myself. I'm beginning to get a better understanding of the people we're always warned about.


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