Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-10-22 02:51:26 (UTC)


I had fun tonight, a lot of fun! We went to my dad's pub quiz and doubled our score from what we had last time. We did well tonight and we got absolutely shitfaced afterwards. I am so many pints and shots deep as I type this. The girl I'm really into came, one of my best friends, who I decided to tell I had feelings for. I don't really know where I stand with her anymore. I mean she was absolutely WASTED tonight, way worse than what I was. She was like linking arms with me and holding my hand and stuff like that but it didn't really mean anything. It was just friendly, and I get that. I think tonight has opened my eyes and made me realise that there is definitely no chance with her, and whilst I don't want that chance right now, it'll never happen, ever. It sucks but at the same time, maybe our friendship would be ruined if something did develop so who knows, it's likely for the best.

I think a lot of people are "shipping" us but nothing is really there. I mean, there IS a lot there, the chemistry is insane. We get on so well together and have such a good time, and I do love the girl to pieces, inside and out. She's a great friend. I think I've got to just get that into my head that that's all she'll ever be. I don't know if she does it on purpose but she does often mention one of her friends who I know is really into her. Nothing has ever developed between them and as far as I know, he asked her out and she said no. She spent about half an hour on the phone to him tonight, and that isn't any of my business. It's just hard to know if she's trying to make me jealous or something. I don't think she is. She mentioned something tonight about if they weren't both married by 40 they would marry each other or something. I don't know. I'm probably just reading too much into it. I don't think she's desperate for a relationship but I know she likes to feel valued and appreciated. I'd like to think I do a good job at showing that but I know it's in vain. She was showing me her Tinder matches and stuff earlier and it was quite depressing to watch. I suppose in the back of my head maybe I'll always be hoping for something, but I know it isn't likely.

I'm not waiting around for her. I guess I'm just hoping that she would tell me that she felt the same or something along those lines. I would pretty much drop anything for her and it's quite scary. I was supposed to meet her outside her house earlier tonight. She was already in town because she was watching the rugby with her dad and brother. She asked me to meet them in town afterwards and I agreed. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but, I wouldn't do that for anybody. I feel like I'd do anything that she asked me to do and it's just silly. I'm trying to be a bit more open minded with Tinder and dating, even though it's not what I'm after, I guess it's still nice to indulge and delve. I do miss that connection and I'm quite sad and fed up of being alone. I love going out and spending time with this girl, it's just a shame that this is all it is. It's not even sex or intimacy or anything like that, that is the issue. I just, dunno. I just want to see and spend time with her all the time. I almost feel clingy, and I never get clingy with anybody. I've kinda just accepted my position with her though and as long as I've got a place as a "good friend", that is the best thing I can ask for.

I was really drunk yesterday night too and I was talking with my friend from Newcastle. I shared my screen with him via Discord and I opened up Tinder and we were just flicking through people and swiping them. It dawned on me how incredibly shallow I am. I understand Tinder is very shallow anyway but fuck, it was awkward. I don't know, I'm not really attracted to blondes so it's quite difficult for me to swipe them. I've also got a weird thing about blue eyes, I just don't find them attractive. Eyes and smile are the most important feature for me. A good sense of humour is a must too. I don't know, it sounds stupid and really judgemental, and it is! Anyway, he tried to sway me and I started swiping right on a load of people, just for the lols. I was wasted. I doubt anybody is going to swipe me anyway because I'm not attractive and I haven't got anything going for myself. I'm still the sad pathetic loser I've always been.


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