Scream Above the Sounds
My A* Creative Writing Piece
Our English tutor is currently tasking people with what he describes, "Creative writing for pleasure". As soon as he mentioned it, I knew I was interested. Writing has become a huge part of my life this year and whilst I know a lot of it is negative stuff, I can still turn that into entertainment for people, as weird as they may sound. I've had so many people reach out to me on this website and tell me that they read my entries as if they are stories. It's weird how good that can make you feel. It's so nice to hear that people can respect and enjoy what you're doing. I think the only sadness is, the stories are real and I'm the main character. Obviously, you don't know me, so this is nothing more than a book. Maybe it will be a book someday. Some sort of "sad stories" book or something, haha. I don't know. What I mean to say is, it's really easy to come here and talk about the way I'm feeling and the things I've been through because...it's my life. Everything has impact. We were tasked with writing about a person we admired, a person we disliked or a place that we had fond memories of. I mentioned before, I chose the person I disliked and it's myself. A lot of this stuff is ripped from previous diary entries and then I've added more stuff to it but I'll link it now and then comment below what my tutor thought :-
The person I dislike is myself.
My name is Edd. Edward officially but nobody calls me that. I'm 27. January 15th, 1991. I have dark hair, dark eyes and a dark mind. I'm pale. People often tell me I'm a ghost or that I look unwell. Both may be true. I was always a shy boy, I suppose I still am now to some degree. I've always been interested in technology: consoles, computers, gadgets. Whether it be building computers or just using them for video games or day-to-day tasks. Consoles became my safe haven and truly my key to happiness, even as an adult. There is no better feeling for me than getting lost in a good storyline inside a video game. Watching characters develop and falling in love with a beautiful soundtrack. I often sleep with certain melodies from video games playing in the background, it's pure tranquillity.
I suffer from depression and I have done since the age of 15. I'm very pessimistic and the glass is definitely half empty. It's difficult to tell because you will find me so upbeat and lively around people. I'm the guy who will be making all of the jokes, dominating the spotlight and making sure everybody is laughing and having a good time. Picture me as a clown. A clown is the saddest of them all. He makes everybody else laugh for the day, and then he goes home and he wants to kill himself. That's me.
I remember this quote from Robin Williams :-
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
That quote speaks volumes. I'm not a bad person, but I've made some bad decisions in my life and they have made me really resent myself. I may not always say the right thing but my heart is always in the right place. I've made mistakes, of course. Who hasn't? The cost for my mistakes however are too great to rectify. I've made poor errors of judgment in the past and have been extremely naive. I've also been very selfish, ungrateful and unappreciative at times. I sabotaged my relationship of nine years. I've allowed friendships to deteriorate. I feel like no matter how well things are going in my life, I'm never satisfied. Nothing is ever going to be good enough. I could be the happiest person in the world, but there is a big red "self-destruct" button in the back of my head and I'll press it, every single time. I feel like a prisoner and I wish my mind would stop tormenting me. I feel wracked and engulfed with guilt, shame, despair and self-loathing. I don't know how to make it stop. My main issue right now is trying to forgive myself for events that have happened in the past year or two. They continue to haunt and plague my mind. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night, shaking, panting and sweating. The nightmares are so vivid. Days can be fine, but the demons always come calling in the night. No matter how often I change the locks on the doors, they always find a way in.
I unintentionally hurt people and I ruined my relationship, which was the only shining light in my life. This hurt, angst and anguish is what I feel I deserve. I understand that we have all made mistakes and it's a lesson of life. The breakup was torture. I had to leave our apartment, with our two kittens, and move back home with my parents. I found myself surviving in a tiny, cluttered, desolate spare room with an airing cupboard. My father had fetched a battered, worn, old single bed from his garage for me, to sleep on for the time being. I can only remember that room as a "dumping ground" when I was growing up. I had never ever seen this bedroom clean before. It was impossible to step anywhere in this room. You would find yourself tripping over clothes that had been screwed up into a ball and left on the ground, broken coathangers, tattered belts, worn boots. When I moved home, my parents told me this was where I would have to stay for the time being. When I finally entered the room, it completely mirrored me, empty. I had never felt so alone, ashamed and scared in my life. Ashamed of losing the one I loved. The one I invested 9 years of my life into. Ashamed of moving back in with my parents at the age of 27. I was like a hermit, initially. I only left the room for work. I was in complete isolation. I was lost. People will tell you that time is a great healer, and it is. But when it's said when the wound is still fresh, it's the last thing you want to hear. You don't buy it. You think it's bullshit. It annoys you even more when people try and feed you stuff like that, but it doesn't make it untrue. You have to endure, but you must also be realistic and acknowledge everything that has happened, and why the situation is the way it is. You have to forgive yourself, for your sanity. I'm slowly learning this.
From Year 8 to the end of Year 9, I got bullied in high school. To the point where I had several people removed from the school because of the things they were doing to me. Obviously that made things worse. I used to go out inline skating (rollerblading) with a group of friends. We used to skate regularly after school. Usually outside our local library. We would get told off by staff and they often threatened to call the police, as they watched on in disbelief as we waxed walls, stairs and various other things we could "grind" on and attempt tricks with. I bumped into the bullies a lot and they would beat me down. I can still remember coming home one evening, drenched in blood and covered in bruises. I can still remember my mother's face. Sadness and anger filled her eyes as she phoned the police in a frenzied state. I had some really bad run ins with the bullies. I just used to accept the fact they were going to hurt me whenever our paths crossed. It became routine. It did eventually get to the point where I had written a suicide note. I couldn't take this anymore and I wanted out. I needed an escape.
I can't remember who it was but somebody found the note and before I knew it, my parents had me going to all sorts of places. I don't really know what it was. Some sort of therapy, I guess. It was strange. I can remember them treating me as if I had special needs, it was just horrible. They would often talk to me in a condesending way, with a strange tone. Similar to somebody's "telephone voice" when they answer the phone. I can remember begging and pleading with my mum to stop bringing me to this place because it was making me feel worse. My final meeting I had was a conversation about life and my future. I can remember being asked what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't really know what to say. I sat there, perplexed by this question, yet somehow still displaying a vacant face. I had never thought about it. I was obsessed with Nintendo when I was a kid. I always wanted to work for them in some capacity. I never knew how or what as, but I knew I loved them and they made me happy. Then it hit me, that's what I wanted. I wanted to be happy. I didn't answer the question originally until the man said "Edward? What do you want to be when you grow up?" and I sort of looked up, a little teary-eyed and said, "Happy". It sounds cringy, emo and a little heartbreaking. I totally agree, it is, but it was honest, it was the truth. These guys had beaten me to my knees, physically and mentally. I never knew about guys like this until I went to high school. I didn't know that people could be so evil and enjoy inflicting pain and misery upon people.
I'm still discovering who I am. I know what I'm passionate about but I never really knew what I wanted to do in terms of a career. I feel like I'm on the right lines now. I've always felt like I have had a lot to say but nobody to say it to. Or maybe I thought nobody would listen. I'm very passionate and intelligent when it comes to professional wrestling. I became engrossed with the sport in 1998 and I've followed it ever since. I understand it and the business side of things very well. I know people will say "It's fake! It's pre-determined! You know it's not real right?" and yes, I'm aware. It's no different from you watching a film or a TV show. It's a story. We enjoy what we enjoy. People shouldn't make fun of others because they are passionate about things. It's ugly and it has no class. I would love to write about a variety of things. Mainly football, pro wrestling and video games. I just know this feels right and I'm finally doing something productive. My dream right now is to finish studying and reach the top of this mountain. Get my own place, I don't even want or need anything flashy! I would be happy in a small, cosy apartment. I just want to live my life. I'm sick and tired of just existing. I'm fed up of dragging myself through the mud.
I don't want to be the person I am anymore. I want to change, I NEED to change. I want to be happy. I want to be fulfilled. I am so desperate to change my outlook on life. I need to feel alive. I want the dream. I want to have my own place with eventually a family, children, pets. I want all of that. I want to peservere, endure, look back and say "I made it.".
One of my favourite Rocky quotes comes to mind :-
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth, but you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."
I have set myself targets and goals. I finally feel like I have a vision. I'm better than this. I'm worth more than this. I will be happy.
As deep as this entry was, he loved it. I could tell how concerned he was with me. He told me it was really good and that it was one of the best pieces of adult foundation creative writing he has ever seen. I don't think that says a lot to be honest, but I was still really proud! He said the Rocky quote was key, he underlined "Let me tell you something you already know". He underlined that because it's critical. We all KNOW what would make us happy so what stops us? At the bottom of the page he wrote; "This is such a sad yet uplifting narrative Edd. I have commented at times - even though they feel like an intrusion. There are things I could suggest you change, e.g more of the affective "showing" of page 1. I could tell you to maybe shorten some of your paragraphs etc - but I won't. Leave this like this! (A*)
I knew I would get an A* because I've grown up. I'm not that stupid 16 year old who just wants to sit around and play video games anymore. I mean, I'm a 27 year old who plays A LOT of video games but I know what's being asked of me and for me, this is my last shot. If I fail this, I am fucked, and I can't allow that to happen. This is how things change, this is how I become better. I want to say it, this is where I finally become happy.
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