Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-10-18 20:53:49 (UTC)


I always struggle with how to start my entries, no matter what the subject or what I may potentially delve into. Today was a good day. It started off SO weird though. My heart was in my mouth because I thought I was on the same bus as my ex. Maybe I was, I honestly didn't double take. It looked a lot like her though. Not that it really matters. I received my maths assignment back today and I passed! Which was pretty fucking impressive, if I do say so myself! I am terrible with maths so to pass this, I was really pleased. The bad news is, I've got a "test" on Wednesday. She called it a test, it's pretty much the next assignment which we have to do in the class, without access to a calculator. I'm shaking like a shitting dog at the thought of it. I hope I'll be okay. I've been doing a bit of research today on where I'm going to progress and where I'm going to go. I mean, it's all mapped out in my head but I haven't done much reading into where to go next.

It's of paramount importance to do as best as I can in English & Maths. Passing Social Science, Science and ICT will do me good and they go towards credits and various other things, all of it benefiting whatever you plan to do next. I'm still looking at what the best thing for me is. I was talking to my English tutor about doing Access and studying Creative Writing. He knows that I want to get involved with Journalism and he suggested that I do something called Humanities. From the look of it, that involves Psychology, Sociology, History and Maths. I'm not too sure why he suggested that to me. Maybe it's an easy pass and I think it's an instant gateway to University. I don't really want to study something for the sake of it though. Maybe it will be English Literature AS or something. I've had a look at what qualifications you need for University and the like. I'm trying not to worry about it at the minute, I'm only in week 7 of college. You just need goals, you know? It's good to keep track on where you are and where you're heading.

I downloaded Tinder again last night, just for the hell of it. Why not? I doubt anybody is going to match me and if they do, welcome to hell. I still think its an incredibly shallow app and I'm horrendous when it comes to stuff like this. I find myself constantly swiping left. If they have a snapchat filtered picture (and believe me, they all do) or they have an empty bio, I don't bother. I need SOME information about them if I'm expected to have a conversation. My bio is pretty shitty but at least it's out there, I'll link it :-

"Just looking for someone to put up with me whilst I endlessly quote Star Wars and Harry Potter. Watching Louis Theroux & Hell's Kitchen is also welcome.

I enjoy sport, with the aim of becoming a sports journalist. I love Football, UFC and wrestling.

My music taste ranges from Drake to Slipknot.
I'm a big geek when it comes to technology and video games.

If you enjoy The Smiths, Death Cab for Cutie and Sambuca, we'll get on great!

I'm also the pickiest eater of all time, sorry in advance!"

I mean I'm not applying to be somebody's husband or anything, but I think it's nice to have an overview! So yeah, I probably won't get anywhere with this. I think the thing about Tinder is, people just want to flick through it, find somebody they are attracted to and just fuck them. Which is fine, you do you, nobody is judging anybody. I think the thing that put me off it last time was, I had about 7-8 matches and only two of them actually bothered to talk. I've said a few times that I'm not looking for a relationship and I'm pretty sure I'm not. I feel alone and I do long for that companionship and I do want to feel connected to somebody again, but I think the mental walls are just so high and wide, I won't be able to do it. I'm trying though. It's difficult because there is only one person that I crave attention from and she is too busy with University and placement to be able to give it to me. I don't think she see's me like that either so I'm probably torturing myself a bit here. I've mentioned before though, there is a weird sense of longing. Morgan Freeman says in Shawshank Redemption; "Hope can drive a man insane". I mean I'm not waiting for her to tell me she feels the same about me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping or wishing for it. You can't really plan anything, I don't believe in fate or anything like that but whatever happens, happens. She'll always be one of my best friends.

That's probably all I've got today. I'm so glad it's Friday tomorrow and I finish college at 12pm! Tomorrow is going to be the most chilled day ever.