Experienced Life
2018-10-17 22:13:22 (UTC)

Sucking it up and not listening to the inner demons

Got more compliments today. Good because I'm not doing so well with my recovery. Well, I dunno. I guess I'm recovering as good as anyone else. But I'm a fighter. I need to be the best at what I do. Always have been all my life. I win at anything I pick up. I've come in first place for so many sports and hobbies, I can't count them. This breakup thing is just another challenge. I can beat this. I can win. But gosh darn it's hard. One of the toughest fights I've had to fight in awhile.

Anyway, my compliments were from one of the dudes in the work bathroom. Two guys we taking a dump and I needed to change into my gym clothes so I just did it outside the stalls but in the bathroom. One of the guys said I have a V shape on my body now. Then when I went to the gym, two separate guys that I haven't seen in a couple weeks said I looked better than when they last saw me. Again, it was nice and it felt good. Just a little over a year ago last early Aug 2017, I was fat with almost two human donuts on my body. I didn't care. I was happy. Eating what I wanted drinking what I wanted. No hangups about what I weighed. I still had the confidence in my heart and soul. So I was good.

Funny now that I'm as fit as I ever was, my confidence is now sort of messed up. I'm rebuilding it but last August, I was fat and no one took a second look at me. But I was as confident as I ever was. Now, I'm as fit as I ever was but my confidence is just a couple pegs above zero. Strange how life takes you on a whirlwind but I'm alive and I'm alive and kicking!!!

Not sure what the future has in store for me. I need to get rid of this dead weight and crappy past and make room for a new life. I'm excited and can't wait to see what's in store for me. I was even contemplating video recording what I'm going through right now. Put it in an XD card and check it out again in a year. Just to see where I stand and what I've done since then.

For now, it's time to rebuild. I deleted all the pics from my camera, amazon prime, etc of my ex gf. All except the ugly ones where she didn't have any makeup and just looked like shit. I figure it'll help me recover. haha. I know what I need to do but it's hard. I know I'm not the only person in the world that went through a breakup and I won't be the last. I just need to man up and get it done. Many others have so I can too.

I can control the ego inside me that everyone has when they break up. That little voice that says I'm not good enough, I'm not handsome enough, I'm not making enough of an income, I'm to short, I'm too etc, etc, etc. I found that the worse critic is yourself. All those things that critique you in the meanest ugliest way and it comes from within you. I know it's there and I know what it is. So I can beat this.

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