Scream Above the Sounds
I haven't written anything for a bit. It's been a turbulent few days, and I guess there are things I've wanted to come and write here but I haven't had the energy to do it.
I didn't go into college today out of pure exhaustion. I'm a bit mad at myself for that but things have just taken it out of me lately. I have science and maths tomorrow, bit of a late finish but we're doing experiments for science so that should be fun! It won't be long until half term now. I could really do with just...a solid week off. I've got some assignments that I need to get on with. They are coming thick and fast now. It's going to be a busy weekend. I've got a science paper to do, I have to do a diary entry about the welfare state of Britain for Social Science and then I have to write some article for English. I've also got a piece of work I need to do over the course of 8 weeks. We were supposed to choose a city or country but I didn't really know what to pick. I asked if I could do the Emirates Stadium instead and she said it was okay. 8 weeks seems like a stupid amount of time to produce this work though. I could do it in one week. I'm being pretty lazy with it, I've taken notes and stuff but I probably won't put it together until I have to.
I think the people from my college are looking forward to my house party in a few weeks. I'm surprised they actually want to come, it's a bit of a gamble I guess because I don't know them very well and in a worriers mind, anything could happen right? They could steal something etc. I mean, they obviously won't but you know what I mean? I invited them because they mentioned about us going out for a drink or something to get to know each other better. I guess it makes me look more popular too, haha. I'm kinda hoping that one of the girls comes because I'd like to get to know her a little bit better. My friend, the one who I said I had feelings for is invited and I think she was coming originally but, I think that's dead in the water now. She's going to be so busy with uni and placement and stuff. I even apologised to her yesterday because I thought I was being clingy with her, even though I wasn't. Just me being an idiot, as usual! I'm not saying I am "giving up" on something happening with me and her because I was never optimistic about it to begin with. I'm 98% sure nothing will ever happen. I'm going to try and distance myself from her for the time being. I know I mentioned this before and then a day later, I went for a drink with her but that won't be happening now. She's going to be too busy for anything and I really want her to do well at uni. I feel like I bother her a lot, even though I know I'm not. She would tell me if I was. I love how blunt she is. I suppose in a way, I just want her to come to me because I feel like a pest messaging her all the time. Maybe she will wind up at my party, she's said she couldn't before and still rocked up after midnight. We'll see.
I feel like I want to take risks, I don't know. I often speak to the people who know me best and I've said that I just feel completely done when it comes to relationships and women. My mind is just warped. I think right now I'm putting myself in situations that I know I'm going to lose. There is a weird sense of excitement, chasing after something you know you can't have. It's an addictive adventure of misery and despair. I didn't pour my heart and soul into this girl or anything like that. I just told her that I think she's special and that she's done a lot for me this year. I care about her a lot. She's one of the funniest girls that I know and she is really pretty. I'm so grateful for her friendship. I told her that I was getting feelings for her and I wouldn't let it effect our friendship and I didn't want anything to change. I don't know what I mean when I say I want to take risks. I mention in my last entry that I feel empty and when you feel like that, you start grasping. For me, I've never grasped in the sense that I've slept around or gone "off the rails". That has never been a remedy for me. Do I want that? I don't know, maybe. There is a sense of excitement and a thrill but that just isn't me. I'm 27 and I've only slept with two people. They both meant something. Sure, one did turn out to be a regret and caused a catastrophic meltdown in my life, but they both did hold meaning. I do deem sex to be very important and I don't think it's something I could have with just anybody.
I think when I say "take risks", maybe I mean put myself out there. I did go on Tinder originally, back in May I think. I only had one date though. She was stunning, it's crazy to think she ever matched me. I think I had a pretty funny bio, that likely carried it. I can remember we spoke about Harry Potter quite a bit and we met up after 3 days or so. She was really pretty, really funny. I just didn't really feel anything. I knew it was way too raw and way too early. People said they were shocked and proud that I did it, I guess I was too. It was nothing extravagant. We just went for a walk down the bay. The sun was shining, we had a good time. I spent about 4 hours with her. We hugged goodbye and there was a weird "We should definitely do this again!" kinda thing. I don't think either of us were very invested in it. She has me on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram etc, and we do talk every now and again but I don't know, it was just too early. I would definitely be a lot more comfortable doing it now but it's just a case of, do I want to? Do I need to? I think even if I was fully ready, I don't know if there is room in my life for somebody right now. The only person I would even consider something with right now is one of my best friends, and that feels weird to say. I think Tinder is a bit shitty too. I've seen good, real relationships blossom from Tinder but I just don't like the idea of it. It's got a pretty trashy rep and it's just so much nicer and more memorable to meet somebody organically. I am pretty sad and alone and I know I should make changes, be brave and try something new. To be continued, I guess.
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