"Two Candles in the Dark" by No-no Boy [a band based at my university :) I found them on bandcamp]
October 17, 2018 Wednesday 5:27 PM
As a supervisor at catering prep, I have to socialize frequently with the adult workers in the dining hall; I am particularly friendly with this guy who I will call Jack, and Jack is a weird guy in that he is incredibly normal. He is a tall-ish white guy with hair that is somewhere exactly between gray and brown, he's middle-aged (maybe in his forties) and kind of overweight but not so much that it is abnormal. And Jack is very quiet. He talks when he needs to and in order to do that, since his voice is so soft, he has to get really close to you. For me that was very scary at first because piercing blue eyes all looking down at me I thought—maybe he wants something from me. But I've come to find he is just like that. He treats me a bit like a helpless kid girl, but I find that that kind of treatment is a little bit of a guilty pleasure to me. I like being hidden in that way. That way, people are happier when it turns out you're actually capable. Or they think it's cute when you fail. I don't know.
Anyway, I like Jack enough that I completely forget what he looks like sometimes. Obviously I can recognize him—but his looks are all covered with my thoughts of him at this point, which happens with people, you know? Like, it's hard for me to figure out what Alexis looks like to the world except for when I look at photos that don't rouse my familiarity. Today he showed me another fridge somewhere in the labyrinthian dining hall kitchen. I actually already knew that the fridge was there, but I didn't say anything. He was just trying to help. And anyway, he got one of the kitchen staff to help me find the food that was supposed to go out for delivery and then he did the thing where he looks back at me and winks and basically tells me without saying anything that everything is okay and I don't have to worry anymore.
I wonder a lot of he has a wife. Not because I am interested—although I am, in some very gross part of me that does not currently make sense to me—but because I think he'd be both a good and awful husband. I imagine he'd be very romantic and caring, but also really dismissive and in that way demeaning. As if it is the man who is really knows best above all, and who will protect the home as the wife maintains it. I think of my dad.
My dad isn't sexist, but sometimes I think he is. Not in the obvious ways. I mean, he loves planned parenthood and he's working on developing a birth control that works in males instead of manipulating female hormones (I love that he is doing this, by the way). But then I think of my mom and the way he distrusts her with things sometimes, like passwords and information. And how he dismisses her pain and her feelings. Then again, he is like that with everyone, right? Male or female. I've never known him to be discriminatory. I don't know anymore.
Anyway, the point is it is not the first time. It's kind of the way I found Ethan attractive, and later Sandwich. I never wanted to have sex with them and I never imagined myself kissing them. But I felt this intense desire to just be whoever or whatever they wanted me to be. It makes me sad sometimes. I think of Sandwich and I miss him, but I am also terrified of him because of how much I love him. Also I wonder if it is even okay for me to have terror-desire like this; should I be allowed to indulge it? Sometimes I see that kid Dan around for example, and I remember how deeply I desired his company just because he was so clearly talented and intelligent and I wanted to feel that come out at me. So for a while I thought it was just I have a thing for intelligence, but Jack is not particularly smart that I've seen. Just mysterious and in control and kind.
I haven't mentioned this to Lancelot because I am worried he will ask if he himself is a figure like that and I will have to say yes. I kind of love you, Lancelot, in a really weird and confusing way.
I am not doing a good job to explain this. Especially because I am using Jack as an example, but it is really not as strong with him as it has been with others; I just happened to be reminded of it today in his presence. And because I am scared of sounding sexual when I don't really want to. Or maybe I'm scared that part of the desire is sexual?
Ugh, it is just so gross. These are men with wives and families (excepting Ethan, but that's also gross because he's Ethan). I feel like a creep thinking about them as these desirous tall figures who will take care of me and will tell me everything I need to know and who will listen and respect and—yeah, see. What the fuck, I don't even know what I want from them. When I think about it, Sandwich wouldn't listen to me or I guess respect me. Around him, though, I felt like he knew me in a way that made me uncomfortable.
I don't know. Maybe I am just, as a longtime independent person, tired of it. So I desire the very opposite of how I live in my relationships—I don't want to have to take care of it myself anymore. Nah. I want to be taken care of this time. Yeah, whatever. Ok I'm tired and I got shit to dooo.