Scream Above the Sounds
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I Feel Empty
I write this entry whilst I should be trying to sleep. I've got a busy day tomorrow. I love Tuesday morning because it's English and it's my strongest subject, and I love my tutor. I just can't sleep. I've felt awful all day. It's been a rough weekend. It's been a rough year, to be honest. I think this year may go down as one of the worst and maybe eventually I'll look back and it might be the best, I don't know. My life changed drastically this year and if certain decisions weren't made, my life would be completely different at this moment. I wouldn't be in education. I'm kind of rambling right now and I need to talk about the name of this entry.
I genuinely do feel so empty. I spoke a little to one of my best friends tonight. The girl that I'm feeling a lot for. She asked me if I had left the house this weekend and I said no. It's only when I read it back I see how bad and unhealthy it looks. People are just too busy for me or aren't interested in doing anything. I know it isn't really an excuse, if I want to go out or get some air or do something, I should just go and do it. I'm responsible for my own happiness and I get that. My desire isn't very strong to want to go out and do something alone though. I need to feel connected to people. That's why I play video games online, it's a social interaction. You make strong friendships and bonds with these people. Some even feel like family members because you become so involved with one another. Tonight I just find myself feeling so low. Shades of how I felt when I originally left the apartment that me and my ex had together. It just feels like there is a massive weight that is dragging me down and I'm powerless to stop it.
I felt really alone today. I don't know how to fix myself or what the cure or answer is. I know in a few weeks time, during the half term, things will pick up. I'll feel less stressed. I won't feel happy but there will be enough distractions for me to not think about that. My best friend from Newcastle is coming down for a few days, we're going to watch a WWE event together, I'm having a house party on the Friday. It all sounds great and fun and it will be, but I just know afterwards......I'll be feeling like this again. I'll be sat down and typing another entry about how much I despise myself and how I wish I could be a different person, or a better person. I'm trying to push for people to do more stuff outside of gaming because I think I'm recognising it as very unhealthy. I love video games and I'll always play them but I just feel like something is missing in my life at the minute. I don't know what that is but there is currently a void that needs to be filled. Is it a relationship? I don't know. I've only ever had one and I was fine prior to one. I always romanticised the idea of having a relationship but the reality is, I was shit at it. I don't think having another would fix my issues. Maybe it would be new, fresh, exciting and fun but the cold hard truth is, I'll probably end up hurting somebody. My friend means the world to me and I feel so much for her. Like when I'm with her, it's like nothing else matters, and that is so scary! I couldn't even imagine telling her that because I know she would just laugh. The thought of her in my life in a romantic sense is definitely something I would like but the thought of losing her and the thought of me doing something self-destructive is really frightening. There is a quote I like recently and it goes :- "Everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of fear". I'm not sure what I mean by that. I want to keep our friendship healthy and if it leads to something more, I don't know. I know I'm not ready for a relationship but I know that she is good for me. She's positive, she motivates me, she cares about me and wants me to do good. Does she see potential in me? Is she attracted to me? Probably not. I would never ask her. Even if she said yes, I'd struggle to believe it. Maybe she is what I need and she is the person to fill this void in my life, but it's an incredible amount of pressure and I know she knows about my mental health problems and my depression. I don't know why she would want to get involved or make it her issue. She has done way too much for me as it is.
I do feel that I need to be looked after and I'm not ashamed to say it. I'm not very independent and I wish I could be. I just feel like right now I'm existing rather than living. It's the same grind every week and it's so draining and sad. I want to be happy so bad and it's so haunting and eerie to think I may never get there. When I type entries like these, I often feel like this is everything I've said before. It's laughable to think a couple of years may pass and I might still find myself writing the same things. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night sometimes and thinking about everything. Where am I going to be in 5 years? Will I even be alive? This emptiness has consumed me for so long and I've plunged into an abyss so deep that I don't feel anybody can bring me back from it. The only person who can save me is myself. It's a strange sense of grief; emptiness. How does it even make sense? How can feeling nothing hurt so fucking bad? This feeling of emptiness, isolation, desolation and fear. It builds up and the feeling intensifies to a point where you must seek relief, however you can. The hollowness seems too endless to bear, so you start grasping. You smoke, you drink, you over eat, you stay up late, you sleep around. You do whatever it takes so you just FIND something to help you feel like there's a fucking purpose and you can feel fulfilled, even though it's temporary.