Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-10-14 15:05:03 (UTC)

Fear & Sadness

Today hasn't been good. I could feel something coming on last night before I went to sleep and I'm not really sure what it was. I guess when you're alone with your thoughts for so long, there is only so much you can handle before everything starts to overwhelm you. People talk about overthinking and there isn't a worse time for it than when you're lying in bed, in the dark..just waiting to fall asleep. Nothing and everything rushes through your head, it's like a hurricane.

Maybe Sunday has something to do with it. "Sunday Blues" and all that. I dunno, I just woke up today and I just sighed. Sighed that I actually woke up and I'm still alive. I know how heavy and dark that sounds but it's true. "Here we go again", "Same shit different day". Everything just feels like a drag right now. I feel so alone too. Even now when I've got the free time, nobody wants to do anything with me or bothers with me. I'm trying to accept this for what it is and stop bothering with people or begging people to be my friend. It shouldn't be like that. If I'm not that important to people that I consider important to me, what's the point? I'm good in my own company. I always have been. This has been a really tough year though and to be alone for weeks on end is just really frustrating and sad.

I'm having a house party in a few weeks and I know that night, I'll be the biggest fake in the house. I'll look the happiest I've ever been. I'll be going around, making jokes and acting like it's the best night of my life. It's how it's always been. I'm the type of guy who will buy you a couple of pints at the bar and make sure you're doing okay. I'll tell a lot of jokes. I can't deny it, I enjoy attention and I do enjoy being the centre of attention and have people listen to my jokes and stories. I'm a funny person, I've always known that. I think that's why people are drawn to me because I'm good at making them laugh. It's a defence mechanism. When all is said and done, I'll be going to bed and I'll be thinking about killing myself because that's just...how it's always been. I don't really let anybody see my sadness. I think people definitely see it in my eyes because I'm often asked if I'm okay, especially after I've had a few drinks. It becomes quite hard to mask. Instead of a "resting bitch face" I suppose I have a resting depressive face. I've invited LOADS of people to this party, people I don't even know that well. I've pretty much invited everybody from my college class to it. I don't even know them well but it'll be nice to get to know them better. I just feel really sad, low and pathetic. Just another day in the office.