Esmeralda_Bramble

Like a Moth to a Flame
2018-10-11 15:03:58 (UTC)

Attached

I borrowed a book from the library called Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The book is supposed to help you determine your attachment style and learn attachment theory and you can use the knowledge gained to help you find and keep love. Sounds good, right? Unfortunately i only read about a chapter and half since I had to return the book and can't renew because 34 other people have it on hold. But I have to say with the chapter I read it gave me insight about how my life had been in the past 15 years.

My attachment style is avoidant. Somehow I pretend I don't need anybody, that I don't care, but deep inside I do crave relationship and love. Growing up I may have been on the stable side with avoidant and anxious tendencies but since i live with my family, I had attachment figures whom I can depend on so somehow I was a stable back in the days. I think it changed when I moved to the US. I had no one when I moved here. I had to learn to be independent, to always be strong and rely on myself. I had difficulties making friends. Whatever friends I made, those were not strong connections, probably due to cultural differences, or maybe we just didn't want to be that close, or eventually lost contact with them. I've been in one romantic relationship, however, I didn't think I attached to my partner, instead I was co-dependent. Fast forward to this year, I decided to leave that relationship and become independent. I've started communicating with my mother more frequently a few months ago and somehow I am feeling much better. I think I've been forming healthy attachments with her again. Then I think my transference to my therapist has evolved to a healthy attachment. With the painful things I've gone through this year, he's been there to listen to me emphatically without judgement, and he tried to be there when i needed someone to talk to, of course with strong boundaries in place. Then as I was giving my boss feedback on her performance, I realized that I got attached to her in a healthy way this year. I said something like.. "She's given me opportunities the best she could. She pushed me outside my comfort zone. Despite her limited time she's always been there to support me when I needed it most. She helped me become more independent and more confident in what I'm doing." My boss was apologizing to me for not always being there for me, but I thought I didn't need to be micro managed, I needed to be trusted and left to stand on my own but with proper support.

I just thought this was a powerful realization. I have grown a lot in the past six months. Now I'm still finding my way, hopefully continue to apply what I learned. I think at this moment I'm taking things slow. Helping to understand what happened is very empowering and deepens my understanding. I hope to become a better person in the process. I guess some light at the end of the tunnel-- or the end of this chapter. Maybe a new chapter is coming up. I sure hope so. Ready or not, here I come.




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