All that is
I've met them, that person that has so much resemblance with you and your flaws, or at least what you consider your flaws to be. Or the things about yourself that you perceive in a negative light. That watching them almost makes you uncomfortable. not because theuy have those same qualities as you, but because they seem so comfortable with. they wear it on their sleeves. and it kinda makes me feel conscious on their behalf, because i consider it to be bad. like the way i used to feel conscious for chnwe whenever we went somewhere and she would just do things without thinking of who was around and id' find it so cringe. btu then i realised that other than her natural lack of awareness, there was a relexed nature that she carried around with her everywhere, that i didn't possess a level of relaxation that my default state could never quite reach. but in time, after looking at myself more closely and answering a few questions about myself, and the root causes of some of these things, i became more and more comfortable with that side. i realised that i kept putting the onus on her to adjust her self in public, whereas all along it was because i needed to address the way i saw myself in public and why i felt more self conscious. now with this person, i speak of, i feel that same self consciousness. i feel it when i observe the in the way he talks, as if half-arsedly with his thoughts, never quite completing a sentence satisfactorily; losing steam halfway through his points as if not quite able to muster the confidence that what he's sharing or the information he's giving will be interesting enough to hold his listener's attention until he delivers his point. He rambles, like me. Is prone to depression, and odd family relationships, like me. He's disorganised, smart but low-key lazy. Just like me. The thing is, while i'm conscious of those qualities (which i'm sure that a surprising number of twenty-somethings my age would admit to in private), and will go to great lengths to try and hide it, he on the other hand is comfortable bearing them on his sleeves, telling you about them, sharing their root causes. And i won't lie, it makes me fucking uncofortable to watch someone bear themselves open to the kind of scrutiny that terrifies me, but not flinch. Not in an 'i like it, fuck you' kinda way, but in an 'i can talkAnd it makes me un point where I'm so conscious of thoBut he seems so comfortable. to the point where i can feel myself irritated at him at times or irrationally contemptuous of him. And i realise that those are emotions that i currently, and consciously hold towards myself. I'm often irritated at myself - i should have said this or i shouldn't have said that. or at my lack of commitment to things, to friends, to sentences. And those are all things that i loathe. SO this means that i need to reutrn to doing the work of getting to love myself twice as hard.
i think what it has made me realise is that this is realted t
I keep thinking back wistfull to the guys i've fucked in the past. and it seems to be happening more and more frequently. judging by my current state of mind especially in the areas concering love and romance and sex, makes me wonder if it's similar to old people on their last few moments calming awaiting death and thinking about all the people that had shaped their lives, like their family members or lovers or freinds. But the question is what am i in the final moments of??? Lately i've been feeling apathetic about guy and relationships, i dont know if it cos ive reached maximum capacity in terms of epole i can actually romance. hezza, dfni, shni, chba and now i'm jaded. bored. it would make sense. but i'm also wondering whethr its not a sense of apathy. that i'm fundamentally fucked when it comes to relationships and people. like i'm one of those rare but several breed of women who are incapable of having healthy relationships. Maybe i'm a bit of a sociopath. i mean look what i'm doing to chba. i know this guy likes me, is in it for the long haul, like worships me and yet i treat him after we fucked like hes dispensable. then there's hezza, i'm not even attracted to him anymore - i mean once in a while my pussy twitches when i see his face but more for old time sakes i think. and yet i'm still talking to him. meanwhile saying hi to his wife on the field every sunday. then there's shni, who i just wanted to get out my system - i was so into him two weeks ago, now we've fucked, i haven't thought of him since like that. it's so weird. i'm like a fuck boy. once we bang, i don't care anymore. and i'm worried that chba is the right person for me to be with and i'l not feel what i'm supposed to for him.
it was only different for dfni.
Whereas i'm always trying to hide mine.