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2018-10-07 23:48:09 (UTC)

You've Got Everything Now

But you've got everything now
You've got everything now
And what a terrible mess I've made of my life
Oh, what a mess I've made of my life

This is a criminally underrated song by The Smiths. Morrissey speaks to my soul. I'm pretty drunk tonight. These lyrics ring true. My ex does have everything now and I'm beyond pleased for her, honestly. I was never bitter. I was sad and angry, mainly with myself than anything else. I haven't had contact with her since like April but I still think about her every so often. Usually at times like this, when it's late, it's dark, i'm lonely, and drunk. I'd like to think she is the happiest she has ever been. Part of me thinks maybe one day we will be able to talk again but, probably not.

I went out with my friend, the one I mentioned that I was beginning to feel quite a lot for. It's definitely confirmed. I felt like telling her tonight, she mentioned how she had been on Tinder and stuff and she felt that dating was "too hard" and "awkward" at our age. I mean, I know better than to just come out and say "Date me!" but I guess I was thinking it a little, haha. I don't even know if she is looking for a relationship to be honest. She got hurt pretty bad with the last one because the guy wasn't investing much time into her and he would rather go climbing or other stuff. He sounded like a bit of a dick. Me and this girl have been spending a lot of time together recently and we talk every day. I don't feel that I'm ever going to be anything more than a friend to her, which is why I'm a bit sceptical about telling her how I feel. She probably knows already to be honest. All our friends talk about it and suggest stuff. I feel a bit sorry for her. I think it's better that I just keep my mouth shut, I don't know. Even if she told me that she felt the same way, I don't know what would happen. She has been really influential and inspiring for me this year. She is the reason I'm on the course at college now. She suggested this to me, she's motivating me to make something of my life and I want to make her proud. I've watched her do the same thing. I can remember when she had worked at pubs and bars etc. She felt like she was going nowhere. She did this course and 4 years later, she's going to be a qualified nurse soon. It's amazing. I am really proud of her. I hope I can emulate her and be successful too.

We're going for food soon. She has surprisingly only recently discovered my eating habits and how bad my diet is. Something I've never really shared on here. I've never felt a need to. I'm really bad with food. Like, REALLY bad. You can ask me anything and I probably hate it or refuse to try it. I did a week in Hong Kong and practically lived off McDonald's, it's shameful. If you have friends who eat plain burgers, yeah, I'm that guy. I can do cheese! Cheese is fine! I don't do any sauces. I only tried pasta for the first time this year and I regret to say, I didn't like it. That was a carbonara though so maybe a different one would be okay. She wants me to go to a carvery with her, which is probably my worst nightmare. I've agreed to do it and I said I would try things but I'm really not looking forward to it. I think she's coming over when my parents go away too and she's said we'll order chinese food and she would be making me try stuff at random, I'm honestly dreading it.

We're going to look at hiking too. She's really into that, mountain climbing, things like that. I've never really had a desire for it. I'll give it a go and see what I think though. I think I've just said yes because I want to spend time with her really. The idea of hiking and climbing mountains could be fun. I could at least fill my Instagram up with pictures and try and make my life look a little more interesting, haha. We aren't going to look at something like this for another few weeks yet but I'm pretty open to the idea of it. I don't really know where any of it is going to lead. Likely nowhere, which is honestly fine. She's one of my best friends and I think the thought of us in a relationship would only end in disaster, and then our friendship would never be the same again. Time will tell, I guess.


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