ish

ish
2018-10-07 08:26:52 (UTC)

did anyone get that licsens plate number its a hit n run......

hmmmmmm...............damn...looking at the past week................................wow.......feels like i been hit by a frieght train...drained exhausted of anything remotely simple.......

deep breath ...heavy sigh..........

where to start....geeze......taking a break from sl and people in general online i think my best bet, seems.....not only once but twice in a day was told to fuck off by Two people in my sl life........so..am thinking the moon must be kicking my additude in high gear...as well as everyone around be...seems everyone is feeding into the chaos and aggitaing any situations....raising the white flag.....i surrender universe...truely ....

friday after the chaos and devestation the rollar coaster of emotion and tsunami of pain had became silent.............
....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ahhhhhh sweet sweet silence..........the birds sing to me......the wind whispers memories.......my hair sweeps over my eyes....i close them in the softness of the evening light..........i breath breath into my pain...send it through my rooted self to mom earth.................how i have been feeding the chaos of argument...my ears have been deafend...that i can not hear.............i need stand tough in feeding that dark wolf......seems to definately have a foot hold.......i know i cant do this ....not the suffereing of emotional appeaval...i cannot put both of us through that.....
i seem to buck stilll...even in my passion for him i buck.........i cannot change his domness...his needs.....and mostly i love how dom he is...is such a bad way to use that word i feel...he is a real man and that is what it is to me....
............i think though...if this is to continue....i will need extremely slow....and perhaps that is where i fucked up..is i allowed you to rush me ..........the definition of insanity"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results..........so...if we move forth....we need change some things up........will not partner again i think ever....just is brutal when it can be used as a tool to hurt someone......i am so guiltly of this action i am ashamed to say how very childish i have been in this way.......anything that is given with sentimental value....attachment creates suffering..........probably wont wear a collar ever again...have never really liked them till Ax....was a definate turn on with him...............i say all this...and lately i have not kept to my word...i have been week in standing my ground cuse of love ..is certainly love that effects me so harshly ..the stupid bitch ilove....can i slapp it...........................so...friday was definately a hard day...........so..fuck..fine...time to stress releif....... ...but didnt do what i usually do....though probably considerd not the best choice in stress releif..but it worked..........i laughed so much and was so discusted at the same time ............i have good friends...they take care of me.......i got me and ceil in a bit of a situation at the prison sim....and was arrested both of us where........im sure Ax would find it entertaining that they felt i was very difficult as well...and had a major additude problem....laughing...yupppppppp....i definately did..and got both me and ceil cuffed and locked in a cell......invited molly kitten and well she was having a pitty party and was a real downer so i told her to crash.....and turn off her rlv.....i didnt know the stupid cow had been not taking her meds....she couldnt seem to think straight im thinking now....and was a major bitch....and was waiting for jacky...jacky came on and she thought he was ignoring her....he came to the prison to bail us out and when i told her that ..she told me to FUCK OFF....LOL wth is that bitch.......omg yes so i have a baby cow bout that ...and said a bunch of nasty stuff feeding that nasty dark wolf that loves to argue.....telling her to fuck off and that if i wanted to i could collar Jacky and she would have to ask to use him...i was pissed....we both had bad additudes for sure.....told her not to poke the coyot..she did anyway and i bit hard...........

anyhow back at the ranch or i mean prison....this madam that imprisoned us arrested jacky our hero lol pffffttttttt.......omg we laughed was pretty fun..all RP...but i do love to when it suits.............we are processed and because i was difficutl they decided to hang me from the cieling dangling naked by all four limbs....was very uncomfortable.......and violateing.....they would shock all of us with the cattle prode and talk about our executions...i was poiked at when hung from the ceiling and one mistress tried to tickle me.....but...not ticklish..lol so wasnt so entertaining to her................ceil was aloud to walk around freely...cuse she much better behaved.....go figure...........poor jacky was takin in chains drugg to the guilliteen where the Madam casterated him omg i couldnt watch was horrible...i did try and post bail for him after mine was posted....but it was too late and Jackys eunuchness became apparent...YIKEs those women are brutal........i ran fearing they woul dnot release me truely if i stay......leaving my friends behind ouch what kind of friend am i....both finally where set free ...........was definately something i needed...i laughed so hard....i made them all laugh..and of course jacky being the clown as always ......i guess the Madam is gonna make him a real girl now LOL...he is all for the change it seems..but that is Jacky...he dont mind so much lol is funny........if i had a domme thing for guys i might of at one time thought on jacky.....but just isnt appealing to me at all...a man needs to be Dom for me....or im just not going to be turned on...and not just any Dom.....damn it damn it...damnit.......mine........i want mine damnit...why does it have to be so difficult for me.....makes me think maybe i cant at all no matter my want to........maybe it isnt in me.................hate that i miss him ...mine....so much...feel like a piece of me is missing when he is gone....how can we make this work..i dont want to be apart.....................................................hmmmmmmmmmm k so the Madam at the place has gotten friendly with all of us....and has suggested i come and learn eventually to be a madam ......not sure i want to work there but the oppertunity to observe these nasty brutal women lol is actually not a bad idea as far as gaining insight and education......i would have to serve a term as prisoner for a month prisoner and slave to them....and after that i would earn my rank up........is a thought and i am left with nothing i think is what i will do.....i will commit my self as a slave ...what better way to learn how to serve better....hmmmm to be trained as a slave...i know im not but i think it good to experience both sides so compassion is a part of the equasion...........is a thought anyhow...not sure i could do it or not.....

went up river to clintin was alot of fun....stopped our friends store great shop had never been before....amazing vibe to it..she offered to let us sale our works on consignment...which is amazing.....and she said i could do readings as well if i felt the need to......is a wonderful offer that im sure will be very helpful for all us.........pats already got his stuff and we brainstorming....am flatterd he asked me for oppions and we seem to really work well tht way..he is badger for sure...is funny how that worked out....badger and coyot hunt together sometimes...and the funnier part is coyot ends up taking the the kill for herself....damn bitch LOL.....

am holding off going on line for any leagth of time....at least taking the weekend off....not sure bout the week...think i just need let this ache fade..i really kicked myself hard with this last one.....but something need change......long bike ride today i think.....dog needs to...cept if it rains hell ..ok never mind......so i guess ill do yoga instead...watch the rain...go shopping........and work on the projects i have started........i did play a couple games this morning..but really ..im bored with it all..i spend way to much money on sl and none to hang with most the time........so i guess a visit on occasion might be my limit there..............it has its moments of fun when everyone is playing together...and the rp is great......but to go b eyond a friendship seems for me to have devasting hurtful consiquences..........this with Ax...is the last ever here....whether we return together hopefully in a different state of thinking on both accounts.......i wrestle with the thought of a contract.....i am not true sub.......and this isnt a relationship of covenience...seems how i see a contract ..........so im not sure why i would need one....what i give is because i love him....i seem to be better at just please in the bedroom and and be who i am as a wife and friend.....im not sure i can go back to giving all ...i seem to put myself into places that i dont understand myself........am debating slave training truely..then i can understand why i feel the way i do..and over at the prison i dont have to worry on emotional ties...all women seems with a few exceptions......so could maybe help me in a few ways..i Hate the thought of serving a woman....for some reason just gets my goat makes me want to rip something to pieces...so i am not even sure i can........one thing over there is they will not advance on sex...really has to be an agreed on thing there...one madam tried to suduce Ciel and i protested cuse she is not Bi and i dont want her having a bad experience....so the madam did stop........so that is reasuring....i was truely surprised they did not advance on me sexually...am glad cuse i am once again going celebate i think.....just moood isnt there...i have no reason to that drive that was so heated by Ax has been subdued and is in moarning....i cannot even think on sex.....but damned if pat isnt getting frisky lately........and i have no interest...

they do make it feel like a prison that you cannot exscape ...i think it would be a great expience...cept they a bit linden hungrey.......always demanding linden or else...so definately have to play like im broke........and take what ever consequences......would keep my mind off Axel maybe somewhat......i dont know what else to do...but maybe if i learn to serve better i can make him happy......wonder if he would come visit me........???? lol damn.......miss him......but so lost on how to proceed..........i guess will see what next week brings and if he chooses to speak to me.....will try to have a civil conversation.......why do i get so riled when he says some things....i am trying to understand better.........talked to E...shes great ...very educated phycologist.......she feels alot of it is cultural misunderstanding and it may never be resolved because of how we where raised in such different worlds......ouch...i really dont wanna hear that......but she said it isnt hopeless....maybe a contract.......pointing to certain things like my behaviors when upset how i deal with them so there is something firm that i can do to destress or release my frustrations........there definately needs be some sort of disapline when i am not acting appropriieate...and consistancy...i have always had a problem with being consistant......lately has been done when the chaos isnt present.......and i have been a good girl and done them ....we both need stop giving up on each other and feeding into the arguement cuse when in that state of mind niether is thinking so clear we only feeding the negitive then perpetuating it with our negitive actions trying to hurt each other cuse the other isnt gettting what is being said.......we cant do this and expect our relationship to work..it wont happen................we both just be miserable.......so maybe a contract would be what we need that points out behaviors of myself and actions taken and if not complied with the certain final outcome of such negitive actions........i know my hostility is delt with wrong on my side....i act like i am two....is not only embarassing is rediculous............so...when my tantrums start...when i was told to take a time out......that i think kind of snapped me back into some reality..............cuse yes i did need to step away from the keyboard....there is a fine line in my mentality i think that cannot always define betwenn things...and i get caought up and read into words obsess about what is mine to the point of unrealistic drama ...omg i hate drama so much and i have been entertaining it in my mental living room..........wow...k think i have let all go...my heart isnt as heavy only wanting.......and my belly has only a few butterflies........damn rainy day cold sleepy rainy day.........all week storms here.....i love it but makes me a bit sleepy.....




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