Scream Above the Sounds
My brain is pulsating after just finishing a chemistry paper that I'm going to hand in tomorrow. I'd be a liar if I said I understood most of it. I don't really like science. I mean, I think it's interesting....but I've no desire to learn or sit through it. I've just gotta dig deep and get on with it. Luckily there is no real exam and it's just coursework. I really like our tutor too. She's really helpful and she's actually pretty hot. I think she's only a few years older than me. She said it would be "impossible" to fail her class and she's going to do everything to ensure everybody passes, so that puts my mind at ease. I've just spent the last 45 minutes gathering pages, notes I've taken in college and trusty old Google on standby to help me blitz this paper. I've had a week to do this but I've been procrastinating hard.
My English tutor gave me feedback for my assignment on Tuesday. He was really impressed with me. I think he considers me his best student. I don't mean that in an arrogant way, I can just tell by the way he looks at me (no homo) and the jokes he shares with me. He never asks me if I need help or if I'm unsure with anything. He just lets me get on with it. I'm flying ahead of everybody else right now and I'm really happy about that. This is what I wanted to excel in the most. I think he was uncomfortable reading my assignment originally. We were tasked to write about somebody we admire, somebody we disliked or a place we had fond memories of. I think I mentioned this in a few entries before. Me being the total edgelord that I am, I chose that I disliked myself. It wasn't entirely negative though and there are a lot of positives to take from what I had written. I talk about how I want to better my life, how I want to find purpose, achieve my dreams, find happiness. That kind of stuff. I sat down with him Tuesday morning and he gave me my assignment and said "I think you chose a very delicate subject to talk about but you did it very well". He gave me a 18 for S.P.G which is Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar and a 15 for the content. He basically said, S.P.G would have been an A and the content would have been a B. He told me I was very close to getting an A in the content but I missed out a few things. I could have easily gotten an A but I had written 3 pages worth of stuff. I didn't want to drone on. Lesson learned, drone as much as you want, Edd. Get that A. So yeah, I was pretty buzzing when he handed it back to me. He wrote some notes on the back of my assignment, something like. "Wow! You write really well! With a bit more showing and not telling, this could be even better!". He said mine was the best in the class. I felt like a bit of a nerd but I couldn't hide how proud I was.
It's weird how writing has came about for me. I never really did much reading as a kid. I read the Harry Potter's and things like that but I don't know, I was never really too fussed. I'm good at reading but it just wasn't something I thought about much. I enjoy reading autobiographies these days. I guess I'm embracing my old age now, haha. Keeping a diary is something that never really entered my head either, until the breakdown. I never really shared or logged my thoughts. I'm quite hard to break down and get close to, yet if you read any of my entries here, I'm an open book. You can find out anything and everything about me. It's really refreshing and kind when people message you and say that they enjoyed this, or they enjoyed that, or "you really made a good point here!". Stuff like that. Somebody messaged me a few weeks ago and told me that something I had written inspired them to go and make something out of their life, and that's just crazy to me, in a great way of course. I guess we never really realise how much we can impact other people. Writing for me was a way of dealing with stress, pain, trauma. It was never to make friends or try and feel good about myself. Having 49 followers is really something, it's great to interact with people and learn about others.
I chose the name "Wicked Game" for this entry because I've made myself a "Study Playlist". It consists of a lot of chill out music, mainly sad, naturally. The Smiths, Coldplay, David Gray, Death Cab for Cutie, you name it, they're probably in here. Anyway, Chris Isaak - Wicked Game found it's way into the playlist. I'm very sceptical about listening to this song because it was a song me and my ex girlfriend were very attached to. I can remember her linking me this song back on MSN in 2010-2011, those were the days. It's a very powerful song and it forces so many memories to attack me and make me feel things. Some good, some not so good. Certain songs are always going to remind me of her. I imagine it'll always be that way for her about me too. Same with films and various other things. You can't really escape the person you were binded with and loved for so long. Things will always creep into your head and you'll have visions of the past, it's just a case of how you let them effect you. Do you curl up into a ball and want to cry? Yeah, sometimes. Can you smile and laugh about the memories? Absolutely. Sometimes I smile because it confuses people. Smile, because it's easier than explaining what's killing you inside.
Something I'm slowly coming to grips with is, I can't change anything that's happened in the last 7 or 8 months. Scratch that, maybe even the last two years. Despite how much my brain is wracked by everything, it's done. It's over with. Nothing will ever be the same again. I don't really know where I'm going with this, I'm just rambling now. I better get some sleep. I'm going to regret staying up this late.