Scream Above the Sounds
2018-10-01 17:14:45 (UTC)

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

In my life, why do I give valuable time, to people who don't care if I live or die?

I awake from nightmares but reality's worse. The nightmares are so vivid and it feels like somebody is ripping my heart out more and more with each passing thought. I've spoken to other people who have been through break ups and they've told me that the nightmares eventually fade. It's been 7 months and I thought I would be feeling a little bit better now.

I've been talking with a few people about University today. Not that I'll be going for another two years or so but I guess it's something worth thinking about. One of my friends sent me a picture on Instagram of our Uni we have here and that they have a school of Journalism, Media and Culture. It looked very smart. "Snazzy" was the word she used. She's not wrong. It does look awesome, but I was thinking about leaving here and going somewhere else. Just having a bit more of a life and experiencing somewhere new. Newcastle is the place I would like to go the most. I've mentioned that one of my best friend lives there. It would nice to have some independence, see somewhere new and it will also be an escape from this place. There is too much pain for me to remain in this city.

Right now I'm just focusing on finishing this Adult Foundation course. I'll then do the Access course they are offering me, which will be Creative Writing and then finally, I'll review my options for a University. My local uni would be best because then I'm still close to my parents. My friends are here if/when they want to see me. My friends aren't too much of an issue for me. They only really speak to me on Facebook and over social media anyway so nothing would really change. I know my mum would miss me a lot. I've still got that lingering feeling of fear in the back of my mind that I'm going to achieve everything I want and still be miserable. If you asked me the dream right now, it would be for me to become a journalist, ideally in sport. I would get my own apartment and probably have a pet cat or something like that. I dunno. Maybe I would live with my friend in Newcastle. I know he would want me to but he has a girlfriend and I wouldn't want to be a third wheel and live with them both. That would be too awkward and I'd feel so out of place. I'm just terrified that I'm always going to be miserable and nothing will ever be good enough. It's like I'm a prisoner to my mind and it doesn't matter how good it feels to have a plan, or how good the dreams and ambitious are. Something is telling me that my outlook will never change and I will always be this way.


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