Scream Above the Sounds
2018-09-30 11:17:00 (UTC)

Here I Rest Where Disappointment and Regret Collide

I don't know if I should be happy that I've woken up before 12pm today. I was really hoping for a lazy day and a lie in. I mean it's 11:19am currently so I guess that's fine, but I went to bed at like 4am. Despite being out of my job for a couple of weeks now, it still feels strange to have a relatively normal body clock. I might look for some jobs today.

I'll likely finish my assignments today. I've shamefully not looked at some of them yet. I've almost finished my science one which is probably the hardest of them. I can always do them tomorrow because Monday is my "study day" where I don't actually have to go into the college. I can just blitz everything then. I've got to finish this science paper, a maths paper and write five paragraphs for Social Science in regards to the Poor Law and the Industrial Revolution. We don't even get assessed or graded for the Social Science one but I think it's just so our tutor can get an idea of where we're at and if people are actually paying attention. I think I'll finish my science paper after I write this entry. I'll cook some breakfast, put on some Death Cab for Cutie and crack on.

Aside from that, I don't really have a plan for today. I've got a raid to do on WoW later tonight but that isn't really exciting for me to write about, or for people to listen to. I'm supposed to be climbing Pen y Fan in a couple of weeks with my friend and two others who are a couple. It's going to look like a double date which might be quite awkward for her. I don't really know where I stand with her these days. I would say we're very good friends and we had history, albeit it was 9 years ago or something. I dunno, she is somebody that I've always had a lot of love and respect for and I know she feels the same about me. I always felt that something could eventually happen with us but in the back of my mind, I would always be worried about losing that friendship. I think she feels something more for me but she did say to me that "We wouldn't work". She probably isn't wrong. Anyway, Pen y Fan is the highest peak in South Wales. I've never really done anything like that before so I'm looking forward to the experience.

Listening to Death Cab for Cutie this morning makes me a little sad. I mean they generally do have that affect. My ex used to always listen to them when we would have a fight or something like that. Title & Registration was a big one for that. There are some absolute stellar lyrics that describe our relationship in that song. I'll post them.

"There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night"

I don't think I could put it any better. Just listening to it is like somebody ripping my heart out all over again. I love the song though. It's hard to know if/when the feeling will ever truly go. I don't think I will ever find peace or move on. I'm a complete slave to mind. It's like I enjoy torturing myself. I feel I deserve it. I found a bag of my clothes that had been lying around the other week that I hadn't even sorted out since moving back in with my parents. Amongst some of my belongings there was some clothes that smelled like her. It was intoxicating. I honestly wanted to just break down and cry.


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