Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-09-29 06:06:38 (UTC)

Silence is complicity

There's this ted talk- 'the danger of silence,' which compels me to look at my entire relationship with the word. I feel I've experienced some things this man, Clint smith, has felt in his life. He speaks of a time when he gave up speaking for lent and realized that it wasn't so hard- he actually gave up his voice a long time before. The way people don't say what they need anymore, and instead say what others need to hear. It's discombobulating.

But we live in a world like this.

I keep thinking of Denisa. I know I'm occasionally having trouble accepting that I'm gay on some level, but today I felt it for her. I don't feel attracted too often but she's badass. I think she would be a person for me who wouldn't tell me what I want to hear but tell me what I need to hear. Even when she doesn't think I can handle it. Maybe that's not attraction maybe that's just a friend.
I'm afraid of making friends for the attraction part too. Where does it end? idk.

It's okay. If I can't.

I had a nice conversation to Alyssa bout these things. I admitted to her how I realize I make it so people don't feel like they can be honest with me because they don't think I can handle it. And honestly, lately, sometimes I can't. I still need to hear it though.

But this Clint man. He gets me. Last year after going through counseling I realized how much about myself I hate. The way I'd complain about my friend, my family, the ways in which they've hurt me and then even after we established they are toxic and not what I need I'd keep going back to them like some weakling. I realized I hate the sound of my own voice stalling in growth. So I got to work, quit counseling, and didn't talk to people unless it felt like something I wanted or was necessary. Something of the sort.
Maybe it wasn't immediate- I'm not sure I'm recanting this correctly.
I know that at some point I realized how much I think socializing was a chore that drained me, so I decided to only talk when it was something I actually wanted to do. And something within me changed when I did that. I became less insecure- or at least I appeared so. Because I didn't feel uncomfortable in the silences, I welcomed their existence and thought instead about the thing I was going through in the moment that made me not want to speak. I realized I had a reason for everything within me that made sense, and could be remedied.
Some things work simply when you pay attention- I just hadn't been paying attention to me for so long it was mystifying at first.

I'm really grateful for that time I spent alone bettering myself. I want it to happen again.
And I'm sure that if I took a leap of faith or two it's something I could do for myself. Although I'm afraid of my mental stability given when I spend time alone it's shaky.

I have doubts but I wonder if they're valid or just an excuse to not face the fear I have for growing my own voice.
It's scary, scary business.
But it doesn't have to be.

My sense of community feels lost; disjointed.
I'm not sure how to remedy these things. Except for move away from my parent's home.
I should really stop calling it home altogether in my head. It's not mine. It doesn't have to by my home.
That's the life my parents have made for themselves. I didn't make it for them. I didn't .
I am part of these things though somehow. Family- I share a unit of that with them.
I love my family, I do, I just don't want to share the burden of moral and emotional weight that comes with it. It's not family then.
and then they're not my family the emotional weight dissipates.
easy peasy.

Okay I'm in this weird state of mind where that makes sense but I'm tired and had a bit of alcohol and I need to sleep.




Ad: