Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-09-28 01:32:38 (UTC)

finding your voice is hard.

I'm tired of listening to myself speak when I have nothing to say. It's probably why I'm so quiet most days. But I suppose learning to find that even saying nothing has some value. I have trouble noticing what others need before emitting my own insecurities to the world.
This is a habit I'd like to work on.

I don't know how I'm going to get any of this done living at home. It's not my home anymore- it's my parent's home. . my home is on the mend; abroad at sea looking for a defining trait to cling to. It's not that it's neither here nor there- it just disappears some days until I can find some capacity for gentility with me. I'm not gentile enough to my own feelings and they're often lost, and when I do find them they're damaged and broken.

It's tiring to recant these things like they're my pitiable disc tape. It's sad but it's true for me. And I'm having to live a life where I'm not sure whether I can mend these things. At least not currently. In the future maybe.

The hope flickers and I try not to let the flame go out. There's something I can cling to. I"m sorry.
to my family. my friends. to my life.
I'm sorry and I'm living like an apology.


Today's just been hard. I woke up and felt like doing nothing. Being nothing. But I've kept going through the day. I went to work, talked to Zach, read at the library, cleaned, and meal prepped for tomorrow.
I need work to make me feel like I'm worthy of something. I just need to not think again.

It's one of those days where I have to slow down really patiently and let my feelings trickle out like molasses. I don't like spending time alone, but working through whatever it is that's on my mind is the only habit that makes me feel like my own friend. I'm trying to help myself to being my own feelings advocate. I think I can do these things when I remember to recognize me as a human being. And it's a slow process to get to know yourself. It's hard when you're so used to 'being' for everyone else you've left yourself behind.
Sometimes it feels real far behind.
So that's the process I'm going through. I went for a short walk earlier and thought about these things- being your own advocate for your feelings- and I felt a lot more positive. I suppose walking does help a lot- but even more- talking. Honestly talking
Speaking your truth.
Thinking consciously.
Writing consciously.

goodnight.




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