The Queen

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2018-09-27 14:45:45 (UTC)

I wish you knew

Dear Silkworm,
January , January indirect message . I wish you knew it is me . I wish it was better than some 3rd degree burns . I wish all this was indirect. I wish you really knew how I felt , how I felt knowing my identity . Even though I've read that what I do is a turn off but still. To January . The day I felt you breached my trust. To the day I felt devalued by your words . If it was all indirect it would not have happened . I wish you could notice me tilting towards you every time whenever possible. I wish you knew the amount of attention I pay to your everything. I wish you overheard every thing I said about you among my circle. I wish you heard of or even saw the moments when you are being mentioned . But you can't . I wish you were more to me than what you are but you and I both know it will never be like that. Because you can make chemistry with anyone you like . And your chemistry is being reciprocated even if you can not see it yet. Nobody knows what will be . But we do know you and I will never be.
Everything from the end of your hair to your toes . Everything is ♥ . even if you know this all but you can never read my mind and know who thinks what about you. Although Matthew Hussey says don't look at him think of him and his rhymbic lobe will tell him . But no , yours doesn't . Even if it does you ignore me like I'm to be avoided .
It's nothing but fate .
Now that all this has happened I still do wish you'd get to find out my identity but rather not., because
♫ I'm tired of this game that my heart plays with me.
Falling myself in a trap.
And everyone crying because of me . ♫

In my fantasy I'm your 2nd , the one you always leave to share your heart with her and mock at me leaving me in pain.
In a landscape my hands tied to a bench where I puke pink and you both are running away without a care in the world.
Me in a pit on snakes and you and her riding on a horse moving in circles around the pit, like it's something you both enjoy , torturing me.

What love does to me: It hinders my functioning ability. Bad grades. And Daydreams. Your smile ☻. And I'm all over the moon. It's a moment of trance. I wish I could stare forever at the beautiful architecture of your face and never get tired . But reality makes me ignore you. What my insane feelings could lead to make me ..
Yet you avert your gaze. Me knowing I'm being rejected now and again , knowing you breached my trust , knowing you devalue me, yet I think of you in words that are high and noble. Yet I've not said anything but I'll if you do. Beware for I do not want that for myself and neither for you . For you are someone my heart wanted.Like a heart wants a teddy bear. Except we don't feed a teddy bear and the teddy bear doesn't talk back.

What I wanted from love is to say I could do better , that I could control my feelings, that I could do it , i could conquer the world , even if I couldn't do it right through my wali , I still could do it the right way.
What I get from love that I'm XYZ , that I should get lost, that I should reveal my identity so they could trap my heart in a sin that is bigger and sinful than this, and that I talk bullshit, and that my feelings are fake.

MY FEELINGS ARE NOT FAKE FOR FUCKS SAKE JUST Because they never get reciprocateD.