Scream Above the Sounds
2018-09-26 14:37:50 (UTC)

One More Light

Today was a good day. It was fast. I had Maths & something called "Study Skills". I still don't really understand the latter very much. It feels like a mix of things and it feels so basic, I've been flying through it. People have finally understood just how good I am with computers so I've been helping quite a few of my classmates, just getting to grips with things. It's so weird to see people who aren't that good with computers, not in an insulting way. It's just very strange to me. I guess it shows how much time I spend on them. Assignments are flying in left, right and centre now. I've got one for Maths, Social Science and Study Skills. I'll pick up a Science one tomorrow too because I was ill last Thursday. I'm on top of English. I got the highest grade in my class for English yesterday, I was quite proud. I mean I understand it's only GCSE and it's nothing to rave about but I'm quite competitive and it's nice to know you're the best. Plus English is my main focus, I need to know that I'm nailing that and performing as best I can be.

For Study Skills we've had to do some brainstorming, or "mind mapping" as it's apparently called now. It's supposedly offensive to say the word brainstorming in this day and age. I can't say I'm totally surprised. Everybody is so sensitive these days, you can't say anything anymore. Brainstorming is apparently offensive to people who suffer from epilepsy. I'll give you another, you can't call them Eskimos anymore. That's apparently racist. They want to be known as Inuits. So anyway, "Mind mapping"; we have been tasked to do some research on originally a country or a city. Some people weren't really interested and asked if they could write about other things. I asked if I could do mine on the Emirates Stadium, home of my football team. She said yes so that's what I'll be doing my assignment on. It's so much easier to talk and research about something you're passionate about. I have no problem with public speaking or presenting it either so I just hope I get it out of the way early so I can focus on other things. College is kicking my ass at the minute and we're only three weeks in!

I'm getting to know my classmates a bit better. I've had a conversation with at least 80% of them now. The class seems to dwindle though. Sometimes there is 20 of us, sometimes there is 12. A few of them have found me on Facebook and have added me, including the girl I have a bit of a crush on. That's exciting I guess? She laughs at a lot of things I say and mentioned about going for a drink sometime with the rest of the classmates to get to know each other better. I mean, that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to get to know ME better but, she did invite me so shit, that's something. It would be nice to get to know people a bit better and just have some fun.

I had pretty disturbing thoughts on the way home today. I was just waiting at the bus stop and I was looking around and seeing old people also waiting for the bus. I dunno, it just made me realise that I am getting old and I really don't want to. They all looked really miserable and I'm just thinking if I feel the way I do now, what am I going to be like at that age? I don't expect to ever see 40 to be honest, I'm amazed I've made it to 27. I dunno, it just made really sad. It's funny how when you're younger, all you want to do is be 18 and be free to do whatever you like. The harsh reality eventually crashes down on you and all the responsibilities and stress that come with it. I just felt really low and pathetic. I mean, those people at the bus stop could be the happiest people in the world and maybe just aren't showing it very well but it really bummed me out and just got me thinking about how fed up I am of everything.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and thinking about things a bit more analytically. I just have a lot of fear and darkness in my head and I don't feel like it's ever going to subside. It's great working towards everything and I'm actually exciting about the assignments and the work that I'm doing. I'm just scared that I'm going to do everything and still be miserable. What if I NEVER get that feeling of fulfilment or even just feeling content.

Chester Bennington is the perfect example. That guy was my absolute hero. He was one of the lead singers from Linkin Park if you aren't familiar with the name. That guy changed my life. I wanted to be just like him. He inspired me so much. I wanted his blonde hair, I wanted his flame tattoos (still to this day, no shame). I still remember when I found out that he died. My ex girlfriend told me a few weeks after we had been in our flat together. No death has effected me as much as his, besides maybe Robin Williams. Linkin Park were hugely important to me and their music speaks volumes. They got me through a lot of stuff. What I mean to say is, Chester had it all and it wasn't enough. That's the scariest fucking thought ever. He was married, he had 6 children, money wasn't an issue, he was successful, he was loved, he was SO loved....and it wasn't enough. A picture was taken of him and his family the day before he died and you would never in a million years be able to tell that he felt the way he did. You never truly know what's going on inside somebody's head. It's heartbreaking. I'm scared I might end up going down the same road. I don't fancy myself to end up successful or even married with children but if I did, in the back of my mind I know there is a self destruct button and I'm like a moth in the light. I press that button every single time. I'm just wracked with so much fear now.

It's still crazy to think he's gone. As I mentioned before, I don't really get attached to celebrities. Them dying isn't usually a big deal to me, it's usually just "Aww man, no way!" or something like that but Chester really hurt. I did the generic, "post-a-picture-on-facebook" with a sad description. It was July 20th, 2017. This was the post I made :-

"I've never felt such a devastation losing someone famous/somebody I didn't know, until now. I remember Hybrid Theory being one of my first albums and I thought this guy with tattoos and spikey blonde hair is cool as fuck. I always said I would get his flame tattoos. Chester and LP were massive for me when I was growing up. Their lyrics spoke and resonated with me like no other. I owe so much to Chester and to Linkin Park. They got me through some of my hardest and darkest times growing up. People would mock and laugh at us for listening to them but we didn't care. We loved it, we understood them. There was a deep connection and understanding. Everyone who knows me will know how fond I was of this man. Him and Mike will always be my musical heroes. You will be truly missed, Chester. I love you. Rest in Power, Chester Bennington."

I need to leave this here because talking about Chester is quite emotional for me. I shouldn't even click this link but I'm going to, I recommend you to as well. Not because it's going to make you cry but just because how powerful it was. The scream at 3:35 destroys me, every single time. It's truly chilling. You can hear how much pain he's in. I decided quite a while ago that it would be my funeral song.

Linkin Park - One More Light (Chris Cornell Tribute) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfuzFRsE4qU


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