✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
Confused
I’m really confused.. like, I don’t know what to think honestly.
I’m literally in my room for hours giving my dog a haircut, and my phone pings, and I look over and I can’t see the name, so I lean closer, and I see the outline of the message, and I see that it’s from Josh.
I remember my heart pounded really hard, and it was like.. what on Earth. I haven’t heard from him since the entry he wrote to me..
So I take my phone in my hand..
And honestly.. I never thought he would message me again. I truly thought that entry was his way of closing the door on me, or his way of saying goodbye and answering my last questions..
It reminds me so much of that day I saw Ashley again for the first time back when I was in the 11th grade. She was gone forever supposedly, and then on a major test day the entire grade participated in, she walked straight up to my table and said hey to me and all my friends, and I was like, dumbstruck.
That’s how it was for me..
And if you follow my diary at all.. you know that our break-up wasn’t wanted at least on my end. I broke it off, because I knew it wasn’t right for us.
And I’ve mentioned wishing we could have at least maintained a friendship, even though I knew it would be messy...
The thing is, even though I thought we’d never talk again.. I always wanted to.
There’s been several times where I’ve almost messaged him, or thought about messaging him for a lot of different reasons.. the main one being.. I miss him?
But I knew that if I messaged him.. I knew it wouldn’t feel right. I knew it would be awkward.. I knew it would feel like.. he didn’t want to talk to me really.. and I knew it would just be hard, and it would never be the same as it was when we were together.
So.. I just felt like if we talked again, it would be because he messaged me first. But I just had a feeling that would never happen. I accepted that.
So.. we talked very briefly, and I was trying to be as normal, and nice, and welcoming as possible but like a fucking me, I can’t help but feel like.. I did something or said something and messed it up?
Because he left, and he is in a different time zone, so he could have just went to bed. I’m not sure, and I noticed a minute ago that he saw my final message, and hasn’t responded back, but he also works so, maybe he’ll message me back, maybe not I don’t know.
If he changed his mind about talking to me, or course he doesn’t have to.
I’m just worried.. he said he wasn’t doing good, and I wanted to listen, and try to help but, he didn’t seem willing to talk about it. I’m not sure what he wanted honestly. So I tried to just talk?
I’m just confused. Because I’ve been wanting to talk to him forever.. and that might have been the only chance, and it might be gone now.
Resume life as normal I guess?
——
This was the entry I wrote, but didn’t end up posting.
So it’s been a few days, I’m not sure how long it’s been, but he eventually did message me back, and we continued to talk, and I’m not going to lie, I had no idea what to say, no idea what was okay to talk about.. so I ended up just, being mean in a playful way I guess? Like.. it was actually easier to talk and be “mean” and joke around with each other, and I sent him lots of pictures and things..
So.. he went out drinking, and then he stopped talking to me, and yeah I could totally be overreacting again, maybe its still too soon to call it, he may try to talk to me again.
And, the thing is.. I don’t want to stop talking? But I knew going into this, that he probably wouldn’t keep talking to me.. and I want to message him, but.. I don’t want him to talk to me if he doesn’t want to talk to me. And if I message him, then he might just feel obligated to talk to me for a bit, and try to fade away again..
Look, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or what I’m supposed to feel about any of this. I’m trying my best not to make this weird, and I’m just trying to do what I always intended to be if he ever turned to me for anything..
But talking like this, avoiding anything specific about our past.. I don’t know. I really wish I knew what his intentions were when he reached out to me.. he said he didn’t know why. I guess whatever he was looking for, he didn’t find it in my direction.
And that’s the thing, if he doesn’t want to talk to me, that’s okay with me.
I just wish I knew.. what to do. How to feel..
Losing him once was hard as it was.. I didn’t think I’d have to do it again.
Sincerely,
Me
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