Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2018-09-25 01:08:07 (UTC)

more things to address

I think I'm afraid to grow. If I start to combat these actual bad habits that I have engrained with my social and emotional health (and now physical) like I did before I might progress to a place where I'm not who I currently am anymore.
and that's the basic theme of what I've been facing (suppressing) for the past year.
I'm stuck- but this time because I'm afraid to change
What I need to value is consistency over perfection- I like to ruminate over the choices I make instead of making them and it gets in the way of any sort of progress.

Last night I realized how moving past something is quantified more by the number of valuable choices you make since that something- and not always is it time that does the trick alone. It's growing- but not in the direct sense because I find that scary.

I do a lot of things indirectly. Admitting to myself I'm (at least partially) gay, that's been an indirect thing, that I've been indirectly accepting. Dating Ethan was sort of an indirect way of accepting love into my life. I'm glad though, that I did, even if it was in a roundabout way. It was the start of something- a new theme in my life that I was always terrified of.
I'm glad to have my eyes opened to the possibilities of loving [and really living] fearlessly. There is reason for a hope like that.

If I'm not making sense its because I feel sick deeply. I haven't been valuing myself as much as I've been valuing others in my life for a long time. Even before this summer job.

I just watched this blog by Connor Franta where he said that he always seems to place these other unsung expectations that people have on him above his own needs. And whether they were really there or not, he would beat himself up over not reaching them.
Or at least that's how I interpreted his feelings.
And it helps to recognize that trait because that's what I was doing the whole year living at home. I used the role I was supposed to fill for zach as a role model as a tool to beat myself up in my own mentally sick state. I sort of realized, but also couldn't quite stop it.

I have an intuition that I need to spend some time alone. If I rent an apartment and get a job that holds me accountable for showing up daily I have a chance at starting to build a life for myself. Well, certainly after I face the hurt and pain I've felt for living alone and isolating myself for so long. If I can stay consistent in building myself up I might build some momentum to start making some better choices at furthering myself in living.

I don't know. I have doubts. I have pain. I don't know .

I don't know how to let myself be vulnerable. It hurts to much to show pain in a raw way. Because so often I do with my mother and she tells me I'm wrong. Or my the voice of my father kicks in and I just start judging.
or maybe it's not my father but it's just this sense of negativity.
Which I need to combat


And I can just continue on building myself up on my own but I'm never going to get anywhere without friends and it's like somebody has to put me at gunpoint to finally put the work into overcoming my insecurities. I suppose it's that sense of entitlement from my childhood telling me I'm a good person so why shouldn't everyone else want to be friends with me but truly the reality of it is I'm complicated to get close to and I shut people out and avoid and divert attention from the parts of me that need help and I'm struggling on my own so I try to call out in bad ways.

I sound like a child. I need to put the work in to become an adult. I have to give up this idea of continuity for my own storyline and break free. Is that what I need? it's like I'm always chasing a wave of anxiety that's consuming me and I don't know how to tone it down.
I do. But I won't because I'm afraid.
I will because I know it's the right thing to do.
I'm thinking of tomorrow now and how I will continue these themes.
and will I go home? and what will that look like there?

I wish I were strong enough to practice my faith in positivity regularly. I wish I never stopped beleiving in god. I wish I knew that all of my intentions were good. I wish I knew that somebody loved me and that I loved them as much as I need to feel true and real.
I wish but I can also make this true. If I try.

I wonder If I start looking at my life from the perspective of the grave. Looking at the value and the number of mutually inspiring relationships I have in my life. How can I bring that number up to where it needs to be so that my soul feels happy?

I just feel like the world owes me something. Like, I'm really quite hurt and mad at everybody for staying distant from me in my roughest times when I didn't know how to share what I was going through. Or, just, I wouldn't because social mores didn't seem to accept it or I couldn't pave a way of confidence or any of these explanations. I feel like if I start to try to find a way of being socially healthy in my life it will start to seep out, the way that I need somebody to fill this hole in my life. I don't want to let myself become toxic so I hide myself away. But one of these days I have a feeling my voice will be decided for me in this world and I won't like it.

So I'm trying to be proactive. Holding myself to my own standard of 'trying' at life to become better is it's own full time job some days. Other days it's just a simple chore. I'm trying to enjoy my life too. I don't know how to do both sometimes.
I wish I could say I am writing this with the happiness and contentment I'm trying to emit, but once again my faith is wavering.

'he who has faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains'
and this is where I admit to the amount of poetry I've consumed on social media today that's influenced many of the ideas in this post. But no shame, because these things are influencing me in a good way.

And now I do feel happy with the way my fingers are bouncing off the keyboard to their own rhythm. It's easy and free and I hope one day I'll be this carelessly happy and open around another human being. I hope I never let this part of me to be closed off for the sake of shame or embarrassment or fear.

Life is weird. the way relationships manipulate and influence the way you see things. I don't want to be influenced negatively in my time. I'd rather get a divorce than be stuck in a relationship that I find degrading to my mental health. I also find it hard not to resist that entrapment when I'm afraid to grow. Pushing yourself toward the light, the brighter way of being is a real struggle most days and I'm not sure why. It's probably the fight of overcoming that negative voice in your brain that's shouting over the innocent, vulnerable one.

I suppose I feel guilty for the past times when I haven't known how or had the training to communicate what I was feeling. I've not grown up in a world where it was exemplified for me to recognize and make known the way I feel about things. Even if I spent my whole childhood holding on to my ability to recognize emotional landscapes, I still progressively assimilated myself into the culture that told me that my emotions weren't worth sharing.
And that's a hard thing to overcome. To tell yourself at every turn that what your feeling is real, that you are real, and you should share this thing that you are feeling. That's a real struggle I've had in my recent past, but even further down the timeline it's been a thing too.

I suppose now I get the privelege of changing this huge thing. I can choose to be excited about noticing this thing and it really is exciting.
When I'm not dominated by the fear of growing it's a beautiful thing .. .
I hate sounding like an instagram hippie.
(and I don't know if that's the negative side of me or the socially conscious side but it's still a thing that feels more real than the line before it)

Whenever I start to feel the negative itch in my brain I start to think of Alyssa, and the way she inspires me to just be myself fearlessly. Last year I didn't really appreciate her and her relentless ability to show up with a whole heart and expect everybody to love her. I always found her immature and naive and sort of annoying. And these things aren't untrue.

But this year, what I'm seeing is the way she has these traits that are resoundingly positive. I think I'm seeing her in a lighter way because I've grown enough to know that life is easier when you have short term memory and you are just a positive person who doesn't hold grudges. I'm trying to live simply and I'm learning that from her. How she doesn't depend on one specific person for her validity of her personality, but many people. It's annoying to me that I don't have that level of confidence but I feel I have more things in life figured out.

Which, then I catch myself because maybe I am naive, maybe I'm not so wise as I wish myself to be. I always like to think that humans should always have mutual respect for the others who have reached the same age, or even older just because life is Hard. And when I remember that I look at Alyssa and see how strong she is and I start to see through the immaturity at the pain that she's sifting through but still making room to love so much.
She's so sensitive and I don't know how, it doesn't make sense to me that she hasn't grown callous to the mean things in the world.
I maybe do over-sensationalize this personality trait into something it's not- I don't know.
But I like that I've found another human who I can appreciate without needing anything from them. I don't expect them to love me, I don't expect anything from their presence- them just being alive is a splendid thing.

and I love that sort of love in my life . honestly.




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