Scream Above the Sounds
Ad 2:
2018-09-24 00:47:39 (UTC)


I said I would see about writing up an entry on this subject, if I ever felt brave enough. I'm apparently feeling brave so here goes.

I don't really know where to begin. I mean, the beginning is helpful I suppose. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. That was never an issue for me, I wasn't embarrassed or scared or anything like that. I think I wanted it to have meaning. I'm not romantic or sappy or anything like that but sex is something special and shouldn't just seem like a dirty act. Most of my friends had already lost their virginity at the age of 15-16. That never really bothered me but I guess I was always curious. I never had girlfriends in high school, like ever. I wasn't really that appealing then. I don't consider myself appealing now to be honest. I think my dark sense of humour carries me in that respect, because it certainly isn't my looks. Girls never really appealed to me that much in school. If they did, it was never ever reciprocated. I thought a lot of girls were good looking but never tried to pursue them. I was a geeky mosher who was more interested in Linkin Park and video games. I guess some things never change. I thought maybe I was gay at one point. I mean I do find men attractive and I'm not afraid to say if somebody is a good looking guy but, could I be sexual with another man? I don't think so, no.

When I turned 18, me and my friends started going out drinking in town every week, then it became more of an issue. Maybe issue isn't the right word. "Subject" is probably the right word. Most of my friends would often go out to bars and clubs looking for girls. Maybe not to sleep with them initially but certainly looking to build towards that. I didn't really know any different. I'm sure I don't strike many of you as a man with a lot of confidence. The only confidence I have is my joke telling, everything else is a fat zero. I never really approached girls in town, unless I knew them from school and was saying hello or they were already my friends. I've had a few opportunities where strangers have tried to pick me up and I've just responded with "I'm not the guy you're looking for". I don't think I could ever really do something like that. I did eventually start pulling girls in town but it never really led to anything further. I guess I kinda made sure of that. The idea of sex just didn't appeal to me all that much. I just wasn't fussed. I eventually lost my virginity to my ex girlfriend. Same for her. We were each other's first and I guess that's why everything was so important and precious to us. That's how it was meant to be. I honestly don't remember it very well. I know we waited a couple of months before doing it though. It's honestly a haze. It was so long ago. They say you never forget your first etc but I honestly can't remember it. I just know it felt right.

I don't have a high sex drive. I never have. I don't want, or need or lust for it. Maybe I lust over the idea of having sex with certain people but then I could just masturbate and the feeling then fades. I'm not sure if this is just something psychological or what. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I started thinking that maybe I was asexual or something but if I was, I wouldn't want to watch porn or masturbate, surely? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex. It's always been fun. Right now I can't explain how I feel about it though. I'm not scared of having sex with somebody else. I just think I need it to mean something. I need to know this person well, I need to feel something for this person. I need to trust this person. If sex wasn't a big deal or something that I craved then I would make sure my needs were met somehow, but it's nothing like that. I haven't had sex in over a year and that doesn't faze me. I don't feel stressed or unhappy because of that. I could probably never have sex again and I imagine I would be okay. It's no way of living though. I think I just need somebody to make me feel alive again.

I think the way my relationship turned out, with all the guilt, shame, remorse, everything. That did something to me. I never had a high sex drive before but after everything I went through, it killed it completely. I watch a decent amount of porn, I mean who doesn't? but I just feel like, that's it for me. I don't know. I've joked about taking a vow of celibacy but it feels like that joke is getting ever closer to a reality. I don't feel comfortable letting anybody in right now. It's not an itch that needs to be scratched, I just want to understand why I'm feeling the way I am. Just for the record, it's nothing to do with performance issues. It worries me if I was to have another relationship, how would I feel about sex? I've only slept with two people, and I'm not crazy enough (surprisingly) to just let go and start sleeping around and trying things out. I couldn't ever do that. It has to mean something. After everything I went through, I don't know how I would handle it. It would be nice to have that feeling again, that connection. I just don't know if, when or how I'll ever be ready for something like it again. This mindset and the events that transpired in the last year have completely warped the idea of sex for me.