Aeryn Sun

Uncharted Territories
2018-09-23 23:39:49 (UTC)

3 Dreadful Words

The void from my last entry got filled, a little too much.

So much has happened since my last entry. I had a fling w/ the hot, married guy (who we'll call Safety) from "Just My Luck" (https://www.my-diary.org/edit/?action=viewentry&entryid=545671648), that ended badly, I sort of rebounded w/ a guy we'll call LRS and started a fling but caught feelings way too hard, Safety came back into my life and I don't know why I entertain him, he's such a dick hole but a hot one so there's that, work has been busy but unfulfilling, went on leave that should have been done completely different, and I'm now counting down to Hawaii.

But this entry is about LRS, who's filled the void way too much. I think I'm falling for him and I don't even know why. I was initially attracted to him b/c he reminded me of Dreamy Eyes, except he didn't have those pretty eyes. I found out he was married and so kept my distance, except to dance. I soon became his favorite dance partner, we started hanging out, and he admitted to being into me. At first I fought the feelings but eventually gave in and one drunken night after arguing with Safety, LRS and I hooked up. We hooked up several nights straight and talked EVERYDAY while I was gone on TDY. Came back and sorta fell into a relationship. I didn't realize it, didn't even know I had feelings for him, but he knew. I think it was mutual, until he went home on leave, back to his wife. He was gone a whole month and for some reason I kept thinking he might not want to continue what we had when he returned. Man I know to trust my instinct b/c sure enough once he returned, things changed. He ended what we had, said he was trying to work things out w/ his wife. After quite some back and forth we eventually got back together but things are still somewhat rocky. This past weekend we hooked up w/ one of my friends; we were all super drunk. I don't remember everything from that night, except that after she left, we continued going at it and I guess I got caught up in the moment because I said those dreadful 3 words. It caught him by surprise and all I remember was his asking what I said before I blacked out. We spoke today, things seemed fine, but I hope he doesn't remember what I said. And if he does, then I hope the feeling is mutual.

I don't know where these feelings came from. I can't even explain them. He's heading to Ramstein and me to Hawaii, that's a 12 hr time difference, but I'm ready to give up Hawaii for him. Craziness I know. He's not happy in his marriage, only staying b/c of his daughter. I can tell he's contemplating real hard about ending the marriage, but I doubt he will. Maybe if we had more time together he would. He's not a bad guy, just unhappy in his marriage. Hell, they got married b/c they got pregnant. He was going to break up w/ her but then found out she was pregnant.

So how to I figure out if these feelings are real? I love spending time with him, the sex is good, kissing could be better, but it's the feeling I have when with him. I want to give him my all, to try a real relationship with him, to bring out that part of me that I pretend doesn't exist. In The Soulmate Secret, Ford talks about what you can bring to the relationship rather then constantly thinking what the other person can bring. I'm finally starting to think what I could bring to the table. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm on the verge of asking him to give everything up for me. I know he won't and I don't want to break up the marriage, but I want him and he's not happily married. And she truly isn't either b/c she can't trust him; he cheated several times before me. I don't know if I'd be cheating myself out of finding The One if LRS and I got together, but who's to say he's not The One just b/c he's w/ someone else right now? I don't know how he feels about me besides thinking I'm "mad cool." He probably hasn't even allowed himself to feel much for me, which is smart on his part, but what if? What if we could be together? Could we have something truly great? Of course his cheating is in the back of my mind, like if he cheated on her, who's to say that he won't do the same to me. I justify it by thinking that he truly didn't want to be in the relationship, did it out of obligation.

The best of me wants to love him and I hope he does too.

***Update***
I came across an article about the 36 question test that makes people fall in love. A line from the article stuck out to me, "...trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive." Without either, do we have true love? If you can't trust your partner and constantly keeping tabs on them, do you truly love them or forcing something that isn't working? Love is an action, we choose to love someone, just as we can fall in and out of it b/c feelings change. I've chosen to love him and now I have to choose not to, it's just a hard choice to follow through with.




Ad: