Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-09-22 14:24:42 (UTC)


I was miserable before I even left the house last night. It wasn't the illness, I actually felt fine in regards to that by the end of the night. I just felt really low and pathetic. Me and a friend were going to the party a bit later, so I just sat around and chilled whilst she was getting ready. When I eventually decided to get ready, I did something I've never done before. I was about to get into the shower, so I stripped naked and before entering, I just looked at myself in the mirror for a bit. Not in a narcissistic way but in a repulsive way. Not even because I think I'm unattractive, I don't think I'm hideous or anything. I'd say I'm a solid 4/10. I guess I'm just fed up of what I see. I don't like who I am and I'm so desperately trying to change that. I think even though I'm in the process of making drastic changes, returning to full time education, finally leaving my job etc. I still haven't truly forgiven myself for events that have occurred in the past. The memories are crippling. I just remember looking at my reflection, shaking my head and thinking; "Loser".

I was a bit more upbeat at the house party. In the back of my mind, I was counting down the minutes until I could go home. I drank quite a lot. Everybody got pretty fucked up to be fair. I felt quite bad for my friend who would be picking up the pieces this morning, before starting his shift at 6am. Not all heroes wear capes, eh? We played some quiz games and then some drinking games. It wasn't anything wild initially but people got tanked up pretty quickly. A few arguments, alcohol spills and people were leaving. Two of the girls went into town about midnight. My friend said I could stay the night if I wanted to but I kinda just wanted to get back home. There's nowhere like your own bed, even if it is still a shitty single bed at the moment. Sigh.

I didn't really know his area too well. He moved there recently. I had never been to his house before until last night. I told him that it wasn't a problem though and I would find my way home. It was raining really hard, a storm was brewing. In a way, that kind of encouraged me to walk all the more. I love the rain. It was a long walk back, at least an hour and a half. I guess in hindsight, it was pretty dangerous of me to do something like this. Not only because it was late, dark and unfamiliar territory, but because of my fragile state of mind. Don't get it twisted, I don't constantly romanticise with the thought of suicide, but it does plague my mind every now and again. I often do display a vacant face and I think my eyes have always screamed sadness. I felt really alone last night. It's strange how that happens. I can sit in my bedroom all night long by myself and feel somewhat fine. Put me in the living room of somebody's home with 10 plus people, music and alcohol...I'm the loneliest guy in the room.

I think the fact there were several couples at the party could have had something to do with it, maybe. There were plenty of single people too though so I don't really know what was up with me. It's never really been an issue before either. Me and my ex girlfriend never really went to any parties together. She was always a really bad drunk and it often ended disastrously. I'm not sure why I felt so alone last night. I think maybe I just feel that everybody else is moving on and moving up in the world and I'm moving backwards. I had a real sense of pride when I moved in with my ex originally. I felt like I was growing up, it felt like a real turning point. Now everybody else is stable, living with their partner or have a place of their own. Maybe married or have children, things like that.

What am I doing? I'm 27, I'm in college, I now live with my parents again and I sleep in a single bed. Loser.