Scream Above the Sounds
2018-09-21 08:15:34 (UTC)

We Don't Talk Anymore

I'm still ill. I don't know what's brought this on. I'm sat here looking an absolute state. I've even got my dressing gown on, that's when you know you're really fucked. It was a struggle to even get out of bed this morning. The last two days I've slept really bad, it's been exhausting. Friday is only meant to be a short day in college today but I honestly don't even have the strength for it. I love ICT too, so I'm a bit gutted. I had a flood of Facebook friend requests yesterday from people in my college. I've hardly said a word to some of them but I've accepted them all the same. One of them told me that we had an assignment for science. Cant say I'm looking forward to that. I'll have to collect the paper for it next week and get cracking with it.

A conversation last night had me thinking how people can come and go from your life at the drop of a hat. When I think back to even the early years of high school. People you considered your "best friends" no longer hold any importance in your life whatsoever. You may still have them on social media and the like but you've probably not spoken to them in maybe 10 years or so. Despite how close you were with them too, it would be weird to just say "hello" out of nowhere now. I do often wonder sometimes how friendships tend to fizzle out. I think a lot of it changes when you pick your subjects in high school. You fall into a new group because your friends haven't taken the same subjects as you. Things like that. I don't really have many friends these days anyway. I've been invited to a house party tonight but unless this illness shifts itself, I'm probably not going to go. I look like such a mess at the minute.

It feels like people only bother with me when they want something nowadays. I always feel like it's me making the effort and having to force conversations with people, and I guess I'm just fed up of that now. I'm pretty independent and I do enjoy my own company. I've always loved having my own space. I think I'm just sad that I grew up with so many people who have forgotten about me or just don't care anymore. I'm not a needy person but I do like to feel valued now and again. The only times my friends and I truly connect nowadays is through an online game we all play together quite regularly. That's sad isn't it? It's always been that way for me though. Most of my social life has always been through online gaming. I don't even consider myself an introvert. I've just fallen into this. I met a lot of cool people all over the world from gaming online. I still keep in touch with them now and again via Facebook and I met a few of them when I went to Sweden last month. I guess it's just irritating that people who live X amount of miles away give more of a shit about me than people who live around the corner. People on this website have reached out to me more than my friends have when I was originally going through stuff. It's just very strange and sad.

I think the same goes for relationships. I mean I've only had one so I can't really speak too in depth about it but what I mean is, I wish I could talk to my ex girlfriend again. I don't think it would be good for me and it would probably even feel like a relapse but I wish I could tell her that I'm proud of her. Some people may read my entries and think she was a terrible person but she isn't. Not even close. She has a heart of gold. Things did get emotionally abusive between us, on both ends but I don't think either of us are bad people. I would like to be able to wish her the best and hope she has the life she deserves. Things like that. Maybe I will eventually find enough peace to be able to do something like that, just not yet. I've only ever wanted good things for her though. It doesn't matter what went on between us anymore and maybe I'll recount another 500 stories about me and her but, I'll never ever say a bad word about her or call her a bad name.

She originally asked, or hoped should I say..that we could remain friends. I felt that was a pretty impossible ask. There was no way I could have just been a friend to her. I don't know what she thinks of me anymore. I doubt I even come into her head, which can only be a good thing. We had some minor breakups in the past and she never ever moved on. She actually has now. I am proud of her. She deserves the world and I was just too selfish to give it to her. I think maybe we could have remained friends or talked regularly, had she not pursued another relationship but who was I to stop her? She needs to be happy. I hope she is.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this entry, but I guess I just feel that we should try and mend fences and not let friendships or relationships die because we're giving up or we are being too careless. We have to try and fight for one another a bit more.