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2018-09-17 00:09:52 (UTC)

if only I could sustain my anger

"The Ballad of Costa Concordia" by Car Seat Headrest

If only I could sustain my anger
Feel it grow stronger and stronger
It sharpens to a point and sheds my skin
Shakes off the weight of my sins
And takes me to heaven

September 17, 2018 Monday 12:11 AM

You ever have a thought like: "maybe I was right," and a minute muscle on your body somewhere all of a sudden relaxes and everything is okay.

Today has been up and down. A few days ago I felt the reprise of some obscure anxiety which makes my insides quiver. Felt it in the morning when Karina left my room without saying goodbye and I couldn't stop thinking about it, how I must've done something wrong, could barely concentrate I was so bad. And when I read my writing out loud and I couldn't breathe my lungs were too shallow. Girdle 'round the earth, eh Shakespeare? all squeezed in I had to lean against the wall some minutes later parts of me were still dizzy in my feet.

I got drunk at a party, where the bartender was rude to me and my friends and I danced. Cried in the shower and then talked to Liv on the phone, barely noticing myself take another shot and that one pushed me from tipsy to real ass drunk vision sliding everywhere. Before I was still capable of shit, I dunno. I slept for like 12 hours and felt fine when I woke up and then sometimes I wanted to die, like—to kill myself, and it's hard to remember why. It made sense at the moment of the thought but then it sort of dissipates, doesn't it?

Karina said a lot of nice things. One of my suitemates was also very lovely to me, saying she thought I was wonderful and was glad we lived next to each other. I got all my homework done and I made a couple fucked up drawings and read poetry. In the end the day was okay but like yeah In me lives something and I wonder—

eh. I'm tired. I'm going to just go to sleep now and think about it tomorrow.
Or better yet: don't think about it.

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