Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-09-15 21:50:36 (UTC)

I'm So Hollow

It's been a weird evening. I've had a lot of weird stuff going around in my head tonight. It hasn't been emotional, although James Blunt has just come on shuffle on Spotify, so there's still time. Goodbye My Lover, hell of a tune. Infact, I'll use some lyrics from that song and it can be the entry title. Cheers James.

I guess the entry name does ring true because I do feel hollow. It feels like my natural state to be honest. If you asked me the last time I was genuinely happy, I couldn't tell you. I did REALLY enjoy Sweden but could I say I was totally carefree and happy? Nah, I couldn't. I always had stuff on my mind. I often thought about my ex, getting ready to start my studies, my future generally. It's just a frenzied state of panic, worry and worthlessness. I don't mean to sound as emo as I'm coming on here because I don't feel THAT sad tonight, or maybe I do and I've just gotten used to it now. I'm starting to become immune to the haunting darkness. It's engulfed me for so long that it's just a part of me now.

I've been talking to somebody who I actually met on here. We've had a lot of back and forth messages and she's great to talk to. It's nice that people do reach out to one another and start to build friendships and help one another. It's just nice to know there are genuine people out there. It's good but quite alarming how some people you've started talking to online show more interest in you than what your real life friends do. I'll quote what my friend said to me :-

"I get what you mean about opening up to friends, some people just pose like they care, but really they just have their own selfish needs they want met versus actually caring about the other person. It really is hard to go about making friends, especially when you get older."

It really is true. I know that one of my friends only really messages me when he wants me to come to his parties and stuff like that, and that sounds great right? But I know it isn't because they care that much about my company or whatever, they just want to boost the numbers for their event, stuff like that. It does sound petty and pedantic but it's the truth. When I originally broke up with my ex girlfriend and moved back home with my parents, hardly anybody gave a shit. I could literally name them on one hand. One of the girls who tried to pull me out of that dreadful, dark place is a girl who I hadn't seen in over 2 years. What does that say about my supposed "best" friends? It was just crazy. I don't think I'm being ungrateful either. I'm not a needy person and I usually do try and figure everything out for myself. I'm very stubborn and I don't like asking for help, but I really did need them. Some of them were completely oblivious to what was happening in my life and what I was going through. I was honestly so close to suicide. I'm not an attention seeker and I don't crave sympathy, but it was such a scary and painful time for me. I'm just glad I'm not in that much of a bad place anymore. I mean, the feelings do linger and probably will continue to.

I've made a few friends at my college. I don't expect anything big to materialise and they surely won't be friendships for life but it makes me feel a lot more comfortable. There is actually a really nice girl there who has started talking to me. She smiles at me a lot, she is nice. I'm just damaged goods. Not that I expect anything to happen with me and her, I don't really know anything about her. I just know I'm not really good or viable for anybody, maybe ever again, That scares me. Not because I'm afraid of dying alone, because I'm not. I just had plans and stuff that I wanted eventually, you know? Most people want a family etc. I'm not a big planner of the future. I always "lived in the now", and maybe that was a big flaw of mine. I only had one relationship which was the vessel and lifeblood for me, so I guess I figured whatever would happen in my future would go through that. To lose that crippled everything. Now it's a case of dusting myself off and trying to piece myself back together. I feel like I'm constantly fighting and trying to glue parts of me back together and they just fall, again and again, and again. I don't know how to fix it.


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