Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-09-14 07:07:15 (UTC)

New Life

I've woken up so much earlier than I need to for college, everyday this week. I'm not sure what it is. It isn't nerves or anything. I feel comfortable there now and I've made 4-5 friends already. I've just had to rely on my humour to try and put myself out there. I really like my group though. There are still some people that I haven't spoken to, but you still give them a nod or a smile and say "hello", you know?

Today is going to be really strange. I've been looking forward to Friday all week. Not just because today is likely going to be my favourite lesson, which will be IT but also because it's my last day this week. I won't be back in until Tuesday after today. I finish earlier today than I do any other day too, which is 12:30pm and then I don't have work anymore in the night. That feels so crazy to say. After 3 years it's going to be so weird having my weekends back for a while. I can hopefully have a bit more of a social life. I used to get invited to some events or parties etc but I could never attend because I had to work Friday/Saturday. I never felt like they really wanted me there anyway though. I always felt like I was just a number to boost the amount of people that were going. I can also watch football/boxing/ufc again live now too. I know that isn't THAT exciting to some people but I have missed it.

That being said, I know I'll miss work too. I've loved having a normal body clock this week. I knew I should have quit nights a long time ago but there wasn't really a way out at the time, especially after I moved in with my ex. We had rent to pay and I was only really working weekends. I don't spend much money on anything so most of my money went towards rent or food shopping. Adulting sucks. But yeah, hopefully I'll be able to find another weekend job in the days. My friend has already mentioned that he'll try and get me in somewhere with him towards Christmas, so that's something. It's going to sound weird to say but, I don't think anywhere is going to compare to where I worked previously. Not that I'm putting it on a pedestal or saying it was an amazing place to work, it wasn't. It was pretty chilled out though and the managers ran it very smoothly. The banter was great. We used to listen to music all night whilst working. It was just easy. I had really good knowledge of the place too and I think that's what scares me about future employment. Starting over. Learning and fitting in again.

One of my best friends has finally returned home this week. He's a geophysicist, so he spends about 6-7 weeks on a boat in another country when he is working. He's very successful and makes so much money. I lived with him for a bit in 2016. I actually helped him transform part of his kitchen into a bar. Maybe I'll link a picture of that someday. He also has a hot tub in his garden. It's an incredible house. He bought it from his parents a couple of years back. I spent most of my teenage years there. It was a second home for me. I'll be going to see him later, after I finish college. I haven't seen him in ages and he's only just found out that I've quit my job, so I guess I should probably tell him what's going on inside my head. We're gonna catch up over a few drinks. I'm looking forward to it. God, I need a drink, and some shots. It's been too long.

I'm glad I've taken this leap back into education. It scares me and I know I'm going to have to work hard but I just hope when all is said and done, I can look back and say, "I did it." I've not been kind to myself or pushed myself to do anything I want to do, ever. People still say I'm young at 27 but I don't feel it. I'm 27 and I've got hardly anything to show for myself. My relationship was probably the proudest thing I had because of the longevity of it. Besides that, I can say I did a bit of acting and extra work in Doctor Who and Casualty, and people DO go crazy for that but honestly, it's nothing. It was like 6 years ago and I've never really done anything since. People who haven't seen me in a long time still ask me, "How's the acting going?". It just felt too difficult to break into. I was a quitter. I've spoken to a few people on the same course as me and asked them what their plan is after we finish. A lot of them have said they are looking at going into Access which is the next level up. I don't really know anything about it yet. I had a quick look at what Access offers and I couldn't see anything about Journalism. I think there is a Creative Writing one though, so I'll talk to my English tutor about it on Tuesday. The thought of leaving there, fulfilled and with the grades/certificates/whatever I want just fills me with happiness and hope. I think going to a University in another city would be an amazing experience. I've probably got my heart set on Newcastle but I'm thinking too far ahead. I just don't want this sad, mundane, pathetic life anymore. I want a new life. I want to be better. I want to be smarter. I want to be happy. I want to be somebody who can look in the mirror and finally accept himself.


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