Scream Above the Sounds
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I Miss You
I haven't had a nightmare in a while, at least not one like this. I type this at 6:21am. I shouldn't be getting up for college for another hour or so yet but I can't go back to sleep after that. Most nightmares tend to relate to my ex girlfriend and this is another one. I know perhaps sometimes maybe I put on a front or act like I've recovered or that I'm better, and clearly I'm not. I am trying though. I can't help but miss her.
I've said to people between now and the break up that I don't think I'll ever have another relationship. I don't think I'll ever find someone like her again. Somebody so loving, so understanding. Family was everything to her. She loved me unconditionally, she knew my flaws and accepted them. She always tried to help me with my depression and really tried to open my mind and show me that there was so much more to life than what I was seeing. Nobody has ever made me feel as good as she did. There is so much stuff that I wish I could say to her, that I should have said. Even though it holds no relevance to her now, I still wish I could.
Part of me wishes that she would find me and for her to tell me that she loves me and we could eventually fix everything, and part of me thinks she made the best decision of her life. I know she wanted nothing more than for me to be the father of her children, but some of the events that happened had a really bad backlash and the relationship just crumbled. We were snowballing. I think I could have saved it if I wasn't too weak. Although part of me thinks that she was likely thinking about starting a new relationship anyway at that point, considering how quickly she began a new one. I don't know. I think the Edd she knew and loved for 8-9 years was dead.
The dream felt so real. I could feel the way she touched me like she used to. Her soft lips kissing me, everything. It made me feel so happy and then when I wake up, I'm alone in a dark room and it's a bittersweet taste of reality. I think the saddest part is, never speaking to her again. I have her blocked on all social media because I know I couldn't take seeing pictures of her with her new boyfriend and things like that. It would just destroy me. I don't know where her head is at or how she is feeling, if I had to guess, I would say she is probably the happiest she has ever been. That does make me really happy because she deserves it. She had a really bad childhood. I don't want to get too into it because it isn't my story to tell. I just wanted to look after her and make her feel like not everybody in the world was a piece of shit. I guess I turned out to be the biggest.
I actually found a list she made for me, probably about 7-8 years ago. It was a list she made of everything she liked about me.
The way you cuddle me
Your ability to make me smile even when I don't feel like smiling
The way you don't take any shit from me
The way you kiss my forehead
The way you laugh
The fact that you still want to kiss me when I have no make up on
The way you turn into a 5 year old for the first 5 minutes after you've woken up
Your hair (now that you've had it cut!)
The shape of your face and your manly jaw line (sounds weird but I don't care)
The way your eyes crinkle when you laugh
How silly and stupid you are at times
I love how comfortable I am around you
How you care about me
When you play with my hair (looooove it)
I love running my fingers through your hair
How you also try to encourage me and make me worry less
How you wolf your food down , even though you KNOW it's too hot and you KNOW you'll feel sick afterwards. . . fool
Your family ( just not kitty, still building a relationship with that one)
I love how picky you are , even though it drives me crazy, it makes me laugh
Love your booty
The fact you don't try to change me as a person, you know im a pain in the arse and you accept it
You're my best friend
You make me feel safe
We don't fight THAT much anymore and that feels great
You motivate me , you're the reason I want to work and do good
You're sensitive and understanding, especially during my time of month...very grateful for that
Reading this back really hurt. I mean it was clear I was losing the best thing that ever happened to me and I know she will be ingrained in my head forever now. She was the one. Poor decision making and a terrible habit of self destructive behaviour caused everything. We would have eventually had a family and I think I would have done everything to ensure I gave them the best life. I don't want to lose the memories of her, of us. I can't fully let go.
The thought of a new relationship is too hard to even contemplate. I don't know how people move on. I've got friends who have had several long term relationships and I've only had 1. How do people dust themselves off and go again? How do people deal with heartbreak that well and that quickly? I don't want to be alone forever, but I think I will be. I miss you.