Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-09-11 17:12:14 (UTC)

Fighter/First Day at College

I start this entry off with quotes from Mickey from the Rocky franchise. Here is the link too if anybody was interested in watching. It will really pull the heartstrings though so, you've been warned.


"You know kid, I know how you feel about this fight that's comin' up. 'Cause I was young once, too. And I'll tell you somethin'. Well, if you wasn't here I probably wouldn't be alive today. The fact that you're here and doin' as well as you're doin' gives me-what do you call it-motivization? Huh? To stay alive, 'cause I think that people die sometimes when they don't wanna live no more. And nature is smarter than people think. Little by little we lose our friends, we lose everything. We keep losin' and losin' till we say you know, 'Oh what the hell am I livin' around here for? I got not reason to go on.' But with you kid, boy, I got a reason to go on. And I'm gonna stay alive and I will watch you make good...and I'll never leave you until that happens. 'Cause when I leave you you'll not only know how to fight, you'll be able to take care of yourself outside the ring too, is that okay?"

It almost reduces me to tears. This scene, along with his death in Rocky III slay me every single time and I just want to wail like a baby. It's so incredibly powerful. I love the Rocky series. When I first started writing here back in April, I felt how Mickey describes people. I wanted to die because I felt like I had no reason to go on. I lost my life. I lost everything that was keeping me going, keeping me sane. I lost stability, I lost my partner, I lost my way. I'm not much of a fighter and if you've read any of my entries, you already know I'm as pessimistic as they come. Returning to education, I'm finally starting to realise my life can be transformed into something completely different. I can save myself. I WILL save myself. I'm not a strong person but I refuse to lie down any longer. I have to start fighting for what I want. I want to be happy so much.

I had my first day of college today. I started at 9:30am and finished at 3pm. I had English & Social Science. I was so nervous. I've made friends with people quite quickly. We had to do "introductions" again for each of our tutors. That was rough. It's so easy to talk about myself on something like this but when you're put under pressure and have 17-18 other peoples focus entirely on you, I just completely freeze up. I talked about my acting. I worked nights, lots of boring stuff really. I told them my ambitions were to become a sports journalist. I didn't want to get too personal. I've spoken to a handful of people in the class and they seem lovely. I really like my English teacher, I can't believe he's 70 years old. He has great banter and seems like such a lovely guy. We started talking very quickly and I know he's very determined to see me do well. I hope I can make him proud. He gave me a lot of confidence today and I think he's just what I need to help push me on and get me to where I need to go.

Social Science was very strange to me. I didn't really enjoy it but I think I will in a couple of months time. We're currently studying about Britain and the great history of how things were then and how they are now. It's interesting to listen to but I guess I just haven't got the desire for it. Later on though we will be studying psychology and that interests me a lot. So I'm looking forward to that. I've got Maths tomorrow, that's going to be rough. I don't think the first day of Maths will be too bad but it'll get increasingly worse. I genuinely think I might have to get a tutor to help me. I know I'll struggle. I'm so glad I've taken this leap. It's given me motivation, purpose. I thought I was down and out and now I'm feeling revitalised, ready, determined, focused. I don't want to be weak anymore.


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