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"Stick" by Snail Mail
Do you dream about the people that wrong you?
Do you see those faces again and again?
And what Holy thing has come to possess you?
Or does it all just blend together in your head?
And did things work out for you?
Or are you still not sure what that means?
And it's a hard trip to the kitchen sink
'Cause I can't wash this one clean
September 9, 2018 Sunday 10:22 PM
I'm not sure. I think this a beautiful song, and I love when Karina tells me that I am cute, but I feel bad. I feel bad in my stomach and in my heart and brain. I'm sliding to the side things slippin slippin—off surface.
I am really nervous about my classes and I got drunk on Friday night because Marie needed it, but I didn't want to in my heart—I just didn't say it, didn't tell anyone that I wanted to be sober. And I felt the consequence of being drunk after I sobered up at 1 in the morning, and the next day had a headache even though I was okay. Deep down there is a hard seed and it is corrugated, flush and grown against whatever fiber runs through me.
My classes are not guaranteed: up in the air. Feel like my brain is something I have to catch in water, all refracted and glittering under there. Reach into tepid hotdog water that sloshes in the skull, reach for the image of a mind and it's off to the side—just missed it, hand brushed against smooth wet temporal as it darts away. What if I do badly? What if I do well but I don't feel like I've learned anything? Why call a class "Theory of Literature" if by "theory" you mean meta-ass speculation?
When I talk to people I feel the need to rest. Inside without thinking some agony. I hate myself, I hate that they see me and are with me. I recognize my patterns of thought and speech and feel bad at the people who must endure it.
I don't know. I have a headache now too and I talked to my sister but the phone signal kept breaking up until it was too hard to communicate and I wanted to cry. It's ok, I'm ok. Sometimes I don't want to sleep because I know what will be in my dreams: it will be everything bad about my day exercised, exorcised in front of me. I will wake up feeling sort of bad and then I'll move on. But I don't like the part where I feel bad as I am sleeping. It is supposed to be when I can get away but instead its deeper in and closer to the source.
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