Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-09-09 05:28:13 (UTC)

All or Nothing

Title of the entry is named after the banger of a song that is All or Nothing by O-Town. I'll leave a link at the bottom of the entry. It was a boy band song from 2001, it's cheesy as hell but it's great. I can remember it when I was about 10 years old or so.

I've done a lot of thinking today. It's been weird sitting around on the weekend. I really hope I don't get to the point where I start missing work and that environment. I don't think I will. Studying should fill that void quite well. Work was more or less my only social life. I didn't go anywhere besides it. My friends around here don't really bother or pay much attention to me. I've mentioned before, the majority of my best friends are everywhere but where I am. England, Sweden, Belgium etc. I mean England isn't that far but it's far enough, you know? I wish my friends did live closer. As much as I love to sit around and play video games with them, it would be nice to just meet up and do something.

I'm quite excited for the future. I'm not thinking too far into it but it hit me today that...I'm out. I actually left my job. It felt real yesterday but it hit hard today. I'm not going back there and that chapter of my life is over, which can only be a good thing. Whilst I went through and no doubt inflicted pain upon others, there were some great moments in there and I made some great friends. I won't let the negative aspects shroud the fact that I had some great moments in that place. I'm now ready to kick on and achieve something though. I'm feeling really motivated and I really don't want to let myself down.

So yeah, here I am. 5:33am, listening to mine and my best friends "Ultimate playlist" we both created on Spotify, adding songs that related to our friendship. Things we enjoy, songs we jokingly sing along to etc. Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles is currently playing. I added that one to the playlist, no shame. It's a tune. Earlier today I spent about 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror, trying to psych myself up, even talking to myself. "Just do something that makes you happy". Sounds childish. I've got two more days of absolutely nothing to do, I'm going to enjoy it. Then the grind begins. I know sometimes I talk like the world is against me and that I haven't got many people, and the latter is true. I don't have many friends anymore. A lot of bridges have been burned and others just don't have the time for me, or just don't care anymore. There are people that I want to make proud of me though and if anybody is reading intently and wishing me the best, I promise I'll make you proud too. I'm going to give everything to be the best I can. Even if it doesn't save me from the dark cloud of depression that sits on my head like a crown for the last 12 years. I know money and success won't make me happy. I don't know what WILL make me happy but I've got to start somewhere and this is all I've got. This is all or nothing.

O-Town - All or Nothing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG8IkUoZ6j0


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