Scream Above the Sounds
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So yeah, I gave my notice yesterday. It might seem a little impulsive but I did think long and hard about it, and I found myself laughing with my manager because it shouldn't have been a difficult decision to make. It was a part time job on the weekends. It isn't my career, it isn't my life. Tonight will be my last night there. It doesn't feel real. Probably because I've waited for this moment so long and now it's finally here, it's just strange. I even feel quite sad about leaving, which is just completely bizarre. 3 years is a long time and I think I have grown and matured there. It's the longest I've ever been in a job and I'm very thankful for the things I was taught, the people I met and the experience as a whole. I came there as a nobody, and I wouldn't say I was "well respected" or anything like that. I'm not sure what people thought of me, to be honest. I became very experienced though and one of the best workers by the end of it. Again, I know it's nothing to brag about. It was just nice to feel important, valued and feel like I was somebody.
I had to leave. Not only because I want to better myself and find something I'm happy doing. There are a number of reasons. The workplace is the only thing left that binds me and my ex girlfriend. Me leaving signals the end of everything. There is a lot of memories and pain and I know it's my fault, but I've learned to let go and this was the final step. It was tough talking to my manager. I had already messaged him on Facebook earlier that day and told him I was going to give my notice. We had a chat in the office for about 20 minutes, I genuinely thought he was going to cry. He must have hugged me and shook my hand about 5 times tonight. It was emotional, it sounds sad to say but it's true. I've only had a handful of jobs but he is the best manager I've ever worked under. I respect him so much and I hope I keep in contact with him. He was like a father to me. He was always teaching me things. He always had my back. He always made sure I was okay and comfortable. He helped me a ton with my personal life, when I really needed someone. He was very understanding and I'm gonna miss him a great deal. He joked that in 10 years time when I'm a "sports journalist millionaire", that we will go to Old Trafford together and watch Manchester United vs Arsenal.
I was hit with a very strange feeling tonight. A feeling I've not felt since I originally left the flat I was living at with my girlfriend back in April, this year. I was engulfed with a strange sadness that I can't quite explain. When I left the flat and the relationship ended, it crushed me. It felt like I was kicked in the head and so many memories replayed in my head all at once and then I just felt empty. I felt like that tonight and I don't understand why. I didn't think leaving would be such a big deal to me. I walked around the stockroom and the loading bay a few times tonight and looked around and just....appreciated it for what it was. It's so difficult to type and explain, it must look ridiculous to read. I don't know. The feeling is just "It's over. It's done, what's now?", and I know when I walk out of there tonight that I won't be going back there and that just feels so strange to me. I guess I just feel like a nobody again now, like I don't matter. I know that isn't true but it's the only way I can describe it.
I only told a handful of people but I had a couple of messages on Facebook from staff in regards to me leaving. They said that my manager brought it up to them at the end of the night. I was told I'll be missed and that made me feel good. It's always nice to feel valued and for people to say, "I want you around. I like this person" , you know? I'm going to keep in touch with most of them I think. I had to do an "Exit interview" before I went home. Again, that was quite emotional. We laughed and we joked but at the end of it, a handshake and a hug followed. I had to fill out a form in regards to why I was leaving, the positives and negatives about working there, and any additional comments that I would like to add. For additional comments, I just put that I loved working with my managers. I respected and understood their philosophy and the way they liked to work and really enjoyed it with them. I also put that there was a good atmosphere with the staff and that we had good banter. For negatives, I put....the air-con drastically needs improving, it's honestly like a furnace in there. My manager urged me to put that, haha. I also put that I think deliveries are a mess and we're always putting our bodies on the line because pallets are stacked horrendously.
I know I've made the right decision to leave. For me, this is a case of one step back to move four steps forward later. It's not even a step back, it's a step to the left. I knew I had to leave. As fun as it was, there was a lot of chaos and darkness in that place, and I had to get out to save what little sanity I have left. I don't owe them anything and I have to put myself and my mental health first. I've turned a corner and I want to keep this going. I want to change. I want to be smarter. I want to be a better person....I want to be happy. I've wanted to study for a while now and this is my opportunity, maybe my last opportunity to get this right. I need to focus on myself and achieve something and get to where I want to be. I couldn't juggle studying with working nights. I would fail. I would fuck up, I know I would. I can't afford to mess this up. I think with 3 years experience at this place and actively studying, that will look quite desirable on my CV so hopefully I can find another weekend job in the day relatively quickly.
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