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2018-09-06 07:08:26 (UTC)

PayPal still at zero

So, I just checked and my ex still hasn't returned my money for the Mexico trip we are no longer going to. I haven't spoken to her since last Monday's goodbye dinner date. It's been three days now. I'm wondering why and how I'm taking this with stride. No tears, not too bad as far as depression. Not sure if it's because I'm strong minded. Not sure if it's because I've been in this timeout for about 6 weeks and breaking up became easier because I got used to hanging out without her. Not sure and not going to dig too deep into it. I do know that not a single tear was shed by me since this breakup. Even the ex had a tear in her when we had dinner. Forgot why she was emotional about or the topic of the conversation but it is what it is. I'm hoping that I'm not jaded again.

Being jaded is like a double edged sword. Yeah, tough as nails. Nothing freaks you out anymore. Yet at the same time, I'm not sure if this is a quality I'd like. I needed it when I was going through tough times with my ex wife. I don't think this almost one year relationship should deserve the same needed help to recover.

Regarding the PayPal though, I may have a small theory on this. It's a small possibility and most likely I'm wrong but it may be because the ex is having a hard time doing it. I don't mean financially. I trust her on that We both make good money. I think she makes around 88K a year. I make 20K more.

I think that the ex girlfriend may not be able to send it back to me yet because she is afraid to pull the trigger. It's pretty much the nail in the coffin for us. This is a trip we planned for what I'm guessing is about 10 months now. For 10 months we were planning things out. Discussing which part of Mexico we were going to go to. We were leaning on two spots at one point. Now... all that planning is dead. Sending me back my money is just nailing that last nail into that coffin. It may be hitting her a little. Well, good. She should hurt a little. That was a lame ass excuse about breaking up because she needed more time to be a Mom? Again, fuck it. No point in arguing it before finding out the true reason and I'm mad at myself for even bringing it up again but it's my diary so I can post whatever the hell I want.

Sending my money back takes a little bit of math since I sent maybe around 10 payments. Add it up and then send it back via paypal? Maybe 10 minutes at most? Lets say 20 minutes. So yeah, I think it's fucking with her head. Maybe just maybe, she is starting to regret her "I am woman, hear me roar" attitude. Maybe. Not matter though. I'm not calling, texting, or emailing her again. I told her that before we parted during dinner. We have stuff at each other's home but nothing that we won't miss. I don't care to get it back and she shouldn't care about her insignificant stuff at my place also. Nothing we can't just buy again.

I do worry that I'm not so emotional. I hope it doesn't bubble up at a later time. I'm hoping that I'm just mature and strong enough of a person that I'm just manning up and my man-card is just doing it's thing.

BTW, I just weighed myself and I now weigh 150.8 lbs. Holy fuck!!! I'm loving it. Still no six pack but at times after a workout, my abs seem like it's getting oh so close to showing a little something-something.

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