Scream Above the Sounds
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2018-09-06 06:11:01 (UTC)

What If?

6:11am as I write this. I hate waking up early when I know I don't have to. I couldn't get back to sleep, I had another nightmare. Isn't really surprising at this point but it did trigger some stuff inside me and I started overthinking about things, you know....what if? and "What if?" is a terrible scenario and question to put forward but I guess it's something we need to think about, because life throws things at you and nothing is guaranteed, except death and taxes.

I'm not much of a crier. This year is probably where I've cried the most and the year I've been my weakest, and I'm okay with that. I find myself telling my friends who are upset and are going through problems that it's okay to cry. It means you're human. So I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't be able to cry or show any sort of signs of weakness or emotion. I often say I don't have a heart and I have a swinging brick instead. I just don't like people to see me in a bad way. It's a weird sense of pride I guess. Not many people have seen me cry and I think people picture me as quite a happy person. Maybe not happy, but I provide good banter and I've always shone brightest when it comes to making people laugh, albeit my dark sense of humour. Kinda going off track here. Anyway, I cried this morning. I don't really know why either. Maybe because I know that I've got a tough time ahead of me with studying and juggling night shifts with it. A weird calm before the storm? I don't know. I was listening to some songs that made me quite emotional too. Muse - Madness is one of them. Such an incredibly powerful song, I love it.

Bringing it back to the title of this entry anyway, what if? I started thinking that maybe when all is said and done..I still might not be okay. I shouldn't be thinking about it. I've tried really hard to keep positive and for the majority of the time, it has been working. I don't know what's brought this on this morning but hopefully it doesn't linger. It's always in the back of my head though, it's why I never think about the future I guess. I think its very sensible to plan for the future and achieve your dreams. Get out there and do what you think is going to make you happy. I'm just so cynical, pessimistic and...a shit head I guess. I can't think like that constantly. I'm so self-destructive, it's unbelievable. I've sabotaged so many things in my life, likely because I'm scared that I'm going to lose it anyway. I'm just an idiot. I've got a horrible thought in my head that I'm going to achieve everything that I want and still not be happy. I've always felt like that in some way and it's always scared me. My ex girlfriend used to try so hard to help me enjoy life and keep me stable and, sane I guess. The thought is always in the back of my mind though, in a lot of aspects of life. The thought of having a family with the woman I love and still feeling incomplete...that breaks my heart. I'm hoping this is just a blip and that I'll be fine. Don't get me wrong, I do feel very motivated to go out there and get what I'm worth. I am hungry for success. I have to be resilient. I can't continue to let my demons win otherwise I'm going to lose everything. Nothing in this world that is worth having comes easy.